order order moral order

Takeover

deanludd — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:48:29 +0100

Sir Sven Swanson's Diary will be continuing here shortly....

Boho dot com

deanludd — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 18:38:58 +0100

HTTP://WWW.BOHO.COM

Boho dotcom

deanludd — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 15:14:20 +0100

This blog is migrating over to a new site: www.boho.com

I will publish stuff on this site though for a while longer...

Is that clear?

Easyballs

deanludd — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 13:48:39 +0100

Conservative Barnet Borough Council had received wide coverage today for its plans to start running local services using the business model of budget airlines. It wants householders to pay extra to jump the queue for planning consents, in the way budget airlines charge extra for priority boarding. It is thought that the radical experiment could provide a blueprint for a David Cameron government.

The council leader, Mike Freer said that he wanted to persuade residents to do more to look after themselves and intends to forge a new relationship with the borough's citizens which will include understanding that, as with budget airlines, the council will not automatically provide blanket coverage of services as it did before.

The council hopes to be able to replicate the general 'budget airline experience' in the way in which it organises its wider services such as housing and openspaces, health, foods services in schools etc., and general quality of staff and services. Accordingly the 'no-frills' approach offers wide scope for cramped conditions, increasing incidence of lifestyle illnesses such as deep vein thrombosis, low standards of catering, stinking 'conveniences', long waits, endless queues, grumpy staff and an overall dissappointing experience.

"What we also hope," said a spokesman for the council, "is that we can adopt the business model in terms of pay and renumeration. We are pretty sure that whilst most of the staff will receive modest incomes, some wanker at the top will hoover up a fortune despite being generally unpleasant and loathed by staff and customers alike."

Familiarity breeds contempt...

deanludd — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 10:31:07 +0100

Commentators on all sides of the political spectrum are mourning the absence from the political scene of a giant of liberal left politics, who for many years now has kept the flickering flame of social democracy alive - Prime Minister Gordon Brown. Rumours of his demise, it is believed have been greatly exaggerated. Nevertheless, people are beginning to ask the question: "Where's Gordon?"

This 'giant' of New Labour has certainly had a chequered history; he was linked to various scandals and cover-ups over the years. But he always appeared to 'beat the rap', never more so than in the case of the infamous 'CDO' crash that involved a bunch of slick city conmen called the 'boiler room boys' and undoubtedly overshadowed the remainder of his political career. He denied all responsibility for the crash but questions inevitably remained since he was at the helm at the time.

Some people are asking though whether his absence is a sign of something more sinister - a tactic know by the acronym CBAIF, or 'come back... all is forgiven'. Is it just possible that this extended absence has been engineered by Machiavellian supremo, Lord Mandelson, who assumes that people will ultimately 'miss Gordon when he's gone'. The logic here is that they might have got a taste of that sense of loss over the summer months when Gordon was nowhere to be seen.

And in keeping with this logic, the electorate is literally clammering for Gordon to return. "Please, please, please," said one tearful member of the public interviewed in Whitehall today, "Please come back, Gordon. Anything is better than Harriet the Harridan, Peter the Pirate, Dreary Darling, and Jack man of Straw who ran the country over the summer and were even more pointless and self-serving than you."

You are not watching Big Brother

deanludd — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 16:57:27 +0100

Despite its public service remit, Channel Four has announced that it will only be screening one more series of the educational resource, Big Brother. Despite plaudits for its groundbreaking format, its witty banter and its philosophical musings on the nature of Daniella's Breasts, the viewing figures have plummeted to under two million, effectively making it a broadcasting basket case.

The move will bring consternation in some quarters and raise concerns that Channel Four is 'dumbing up'. A respected lecturer in 'Reality TV' from the University of Westfield has asked where the semi-literate and the brain dead will now achieve their fifteen minutes of farm. The programme has for some years now revealed to sociologists worldwide just how humans would behave if they were cooped up together for several weeks and treated like farmyard animals. We discover that, contrary to expectations, the contestants fall back on their inner resources, regularly quote Shakespeare and use philosophical reference points when contemplating the nature of their condition.

Ministers were asked to comment on whether the programme had had a positive effect on the outlook and attitudes of the nation as a whole. A spokesman for the Ministry of Drivel stated: "Of course it had a benign effect. It meant that ministers could communicate easily with the electorate using trite reference points such as 'We are repulsed by sexism in any way, shape or form and would officially condemn Mario's treatment of Nikki and his comments on her boob job.' It also meant that for a few sweet months in the summer there were people in this country who were ridiculed even more than us."

Asbo Dave

deanludd — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 12:25:25 +0100

Conservative leader David Cameron has given a frank and revealing interview to up market gossip magazine Grazia, in which he discusses his ‘broken youth’. The interview will offer some insight into his belief that the middle classes should be out there hugging ‘hoodies’. It will also help ordinary people comprehend that it is not just council estate thugs that trash their communities.

Cameron (also known as the campaign for real ale) looks back to his days at the Bullingdon club in Oxford when he was at the height of his debauchery. "I have to admit that in those days I was drinking around 14 to 15 jugs of Pimms a day and then ‘bumpering’ a bottle of vodka in the evenings. It was lucky that they didn’t have Asbos in those days; otherwise I would have taken an Oxford Blue in collecting them. Blond Bozzer Johnson was also a member of the Bullingdon back then. We used to enjoy drunken evenings dressed in hoodies – and white bow ties of course – and we’d pass the time swinging on chandeliers and wrecking the place. Then at the end of the evening we would all hug each other – still dressed in our hoodies – and be sick over one other."

Mr Cameron was asked finally what changed, what put a stop to this debauchery? Cameron replied that the turning point was joining the Conservative party. "I realized that the party had a reputation for propriety, for integrity and for taking responsibility for one’s own actions. Many a reprobate has seen the light after joining the Conservatives. And I am confident that I can follow in the footsteps of one of the last great old Etonians to be at the helm of a Conservative government, Harold Macmillan, and offer Britain a government, a cabinet free of debauchery and scandal."

Sun Editor

deanludd — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 13:10:17 +0100

'Fleet Street' is in febrile mood right now as the race to become the new editor of the Sun newspaper hots up. The front runner, Dominic Lawson has a distinguished record in producing exclusives ever since his famous, "Amy Whitehouse likes a drink." and "Kate Moss's boyfriend buys a yellow pencil."

But he is reckoned neverthless to be up against stiff competition from a number of other current editors who covet the job they call, 'the most powerful post in tabloid journalism.'

So who are the other contenders and what kind of editorial credentials do they have?

One possible is Wally Wallace, who has an outstanding record at setting up the Mirror's Football website, "Dribble", considered perfect training for a prospective tabloid editor. Also in the running is Jesse James, who knows nothing about Fleet Street and has never worked in it, clearly an advantage to anyone wanting to work for the Sun. He and Murdoch are allegedly graduates of the same kindergarten. Finally there is the distinguished journo Hatfield House, who earned much admiration for his outstanding freesheet the London Bogpaper, which has been avidly read by millions of Londoners and which was famous for the exclusive: "Lord Mandelson ate my Hamster."

A leading Australian, Rupert Everidge said today: "I daint care'oo-it is. S'long as he can sweer a lot."

EXCLUSIVE: Prime Minister Gordon Brown Has Resigned...

deanludd — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 21:35:05 +0100

News wires across Europe are quite literally buzzing tonight after the shock announcement issued by Number Ten Downing Street that British Premier Gordon Brown has resigned himself to losing the next general election.

Westminster commentators have for the past month been unsettled by the PM's low profile. Even though it is holiday season - traditionally a time when the PM takes a well earned rest - Premier Brown's total abandonment of the political scene has been deemed unusual.

Some have seen the hand of Deputy PM, Lord 'Is this a knife I see before me' Handelson at play. The Dark Lord is a past master of pregnant pauses and cultivated absences. But the Lord of Spin as he is also known, tonight issued a categorical denial of any part in Gordon Brown's pregnant absence.

In a carefully worded statement tonight Lord Mandelson declared: 'I can say quite unequivocally that we are entering a new phase in political history: The era of deception is over. The era of spin is past. I might even say: 'The spin is dead, long live the spin.'

More on the breaking story as we get it... In other news, England has reclaimed the Ashes.

Double Dealer

deanludd — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 10:02:36 +0100

Prime Minister Gordon Brown will today scrutinize and assess the proposition that is emerging from some quarters that he might in fact be a double dealing little shit who hangs out with members of the Royal family. The allegation comes the day after the only man convicted of the Lockerbie bombing, Abdelbaset al-Megrahi returned to Tripoli and to a hero's welcome. It also comes alongside the somewhat preposterous comment made by Foreign Secretary David Miliband that he "has never heard of this Mr MacRahill, or whatever you call him."

Westminster watchers are becoming increasingly sceptical of the notion that the UK government had nothing to do with the release, even though Mr. Brown proclaimed earlier in the week, "Those damn Scots, don't ya hate 'em? I've tried and tried and tried to persuade that wee Caledonian, Mr Salmond not to release him, but does he listen? Does he fuck." Mr Miliband then added, "Who are we talking about here? Whoever it is we are talking about, let me make this clear: I do not have an opinion."

But some Westminster analysts are claiming that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the government's ambiguity and equivocation on the subject of Megrahi's release: "What happens in these circumstances is that the Prime Minister and Foreign Secretary can console themselves with the fact that the original investigation and subsequent conviction were loaded. The subjects, here Mr Brown and Mr Miliband, at this point will say things such as, 'We all know that the Iranians, and possibly the Syrians and certain Lebanese gentlemen were likely to have been involved in the original outrage.' This helps salve their consciences. Then the practical reality of economic benefit kicks in when a multi-million pound oil deal is dangled in front of the subjects. A deal is then struck, usually involving a shady member of the Royal Family, the son of the Libyan President and, quite naturally, Lord Mandelson.

But then appears the most fascinating symptom of all: After the deal is done, after the inevitable furore, and after the dust has settled the subjects will claim not to have any knowledge of the deal whatsoever, and the Foreign Secretary will claim not to have an opinion, not to know a thing. This final stage of the condition is what we in the trade call: Being in denial."

THIS SITE IS MOVING

deanludd — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 21:01:29 +0100

Over the coming week this site will be 'migrating' to a new domain... and, let's hope, a better life. The current (Trinity) test site is: http://bohodotcom.blogspot.com/

However within days... or perhaps even within months (assuming the ISP gets it frigging act together) we should be findable under the domain: www.boho.com

Good luck finding us (assuming you give a damn.)

"Haggis Eating Surrender Monkey"

deanludd — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 20:38:18 +0100

Gordon Brown, leader of the Anglo-Caledonian alliance known as the 'Haggis Eating Arctic Surrender Monkeys' is tomorrow going to say that he is livid about the fact that his letter to Colonel Gaddafi demanding 'sensitivity' was leaked to the press.

Brown does not know how to express his outrage, partly because his speech has not yet been drafted by Lord Mandelson. But let there be no doubt: Outraged he is.

Brown wants an investigation. He cannot fathom why any official, adviser... any apparatchik could possibly suggest that he, the PM literally begged for sensitivity to be observed. The leader is known to be a subtle man - not one for blowing his own trumpet. And he wants this subtlety to remain just that: Something that only emerges when subtlety dictates.

So we are left asking, what is the cause of the surge of subtlety in this, our Scottish Prime Minister? Why would he not want his subtle letter to the Libyan Dictator to come out? "I'll just say this." said the PM. "You'll have to ask that bloody Glaswegian, Alex Salmond if yee want ta read the roons. I'm an Edinburgh man mah-self. And indeed we know just how ta do subtlety."

Travesties of Genre

deanludd — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 19:34:38 +0100

Specialists in the field of political correctness are tonight trying to determine whether calling a black woman 'a black man' should be deemed sexist, racist or both. A furore has emerged after the South African 800m runner Caster Semenya was considered too butch to be a woman. Members of the South African athletics squad have said that the accusation is essentially racist because it suggests that black women are more like men than white women.

"Puh-lease," said legendary feminist Germaine Greer tonight. "We all know that gender stereotypes are created by men to enslave women. Take my gorgeous tran-servant Carita Delilah Dubois (not literally of course... please don't take her, she's mine.). She's always thanking me for everything that I have done for 'us women' over the years, yet as soon as my back is turned she is out of her fishnets and mascara and knifing specimens of the Mexican street scum in downtown Trumpington. And so it is with us women. The only reason why women have muscles is because men invented the Olympics to hide their own gender insecurities. And then along comes Caster who is trying to conform to whatever the crypto-gay, misogynists consider to be 'In Vogue', and bang she is in the dog house (not literally of course, I hope.)

Specialists in the field of specialists tonight audaciously suggested that all of the journalists and academics currently trying to fill broadsheet and tabloid column inches alike with their takes on modern gender are totally clueless. Said one, herself a recent mother, "When you are born, they stick a pink bracelet on girls and a blue one on boys. But when we women are lying there watching it happen, do we complain? The fuck we do. We're just thinking, like the gal in the next bed, How can I lay my hands on some more of that lovely Fentanyl that the midwives were pumping into my spinal column just a while ago?"

Where there's oil there's (top) brass

deanludd — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 09:13:25 +0100

There are hopes tonight that Pentagon hacker, Gary Mckinnon, might not be extradited after all, but may rather be allowed to serve his sentence in the UK after oil was found in his back garden. The hacker, who has by no means been resting on his laurels of late is understood to have been digging for oil, ever since his computer was taken away from him.

It is understood that as soon as Mckinnon hit the 'black gold' senior officials in both London and Washington were on the phone to one other negotiating a deal that could be worth millions of dollars. It is thought that if this deal can be struck with the Americans, then Mackinnon's future might be secured.

Last night at a joint UK/US teleconference a Pentagon official said, "Yes, this guy committed one of the most heinous acts of betrayal since Iscariot traduced JC. Yes, this guy hacked into 97 Military and Nasa computers. But that being said, oil is oil and we realise that this amazing find puts McKinnon into a whole new different league. We now realise that the poor boy - can I call him Gary? - probably took a 'bum rap' on this.

At the press conference Gordon Brown and Home Secretary Alan Johnson said that they were "obsequiously sorry for any misunderstanding and that British citizen, Mckinnon would be welcome to remain as the honoured guest of Her Majesty's Government."

Brown government is academic

deanludd — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 12:02:29 +0100

Prime Minister Gordon Brown will go on the lunchtime news to announce that England is to be turned into a University. In a bold step designed to improve educational qualifications in England, the Prime Minister has decided to make everyone of voting age an 'undergraduate'. It is thought that by doing away with entry requirements, the English will overnight become the most highly educated people in the world.

The bid for 100% university attendance has come in the wake of an unprecedented scramble for degree places and despite a record number of A-grade 'A' levels. Labour which once promised to achieve 50% University attendance has been accused by Sally Hunt of the Lecturers Union of 'rationing hope', and permanently capping 'the ambitions of thousands of potential students.

The Prime Minister announced: "This is the perfect solution. As we all know a lot of the degrees that would have made up the 50% quota were of the 'mickey mouse' variety - such as David Beckham Studies or Golf Management (Staffordshire University and Birmingham respectively). So we might as well go the whole way and simply make everybody an undergraduate. Effectively they will become undergraduates of the 'University of Life,' to use the technical speak.

When asked how exactly students would graduate from this University, Mr Brown answered, "Well of course there will have to be some kind of system for graduating, but this will be very straightforward and not hard to achieve... They will just be minor things such as buying an ID card, swearing allegiance to, and joining the Labour party and a short theory test on 'saving the world'.

The comment on 'joining the Labour Party' did raise a few eyebrows at the press conference, which Brown swiftly dealt with. "No one need worry about joining the Labour Party. In fact it will cost undergraduates nothing. One of the first very generous acts of this government will be to offer free Labour Party membership to all undergrads, exclusive of background."

Government doth never prosper, what's the reason? For if it prosper, none dare call it Stalinism.

deanludd — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 17:50:39 +0100

*** This post has been heavily... heavily moderated***

In keeping with the principles of this website, in all things, moderation

De Botton is Terminal (5)

deanludd — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 11:29:32 +0100

Philosopher Alain de Botton is to become writer in residence at Heathrow Terminal Five. A self-confessed travel nut, De Botton said he hoped to "lift the lid" on how an airport operates. He also intends to squeeze a book out of the venture, a new philosophical work, predicated, it is thought, on the notion that you have to be philosophical to survive the Terminal Five experience.

De Botton says BAA has given him complete editorial freedom and access to all areas as part of a one-book publishing deal. "It's marvellous," he says, "I won't even be scanned when I go through security. That means that I can carry around with me all manner of substances and customs will be none the wiser."

When asked what he meant by "all manner of substances," he replied, "Oh things like my old dog-eared copy of Zarathustra, which I will need to keep at hand at all times. In fact I have always wondered what Nietzsche would have made of Terminal Five. I reckon that he would have been much smitten by the ruthless efficiency, the superhuman struggle to reclaim your baggage and most important of all, the thought that in this hellhole, God must most definitely be dead."

The philosopher was finally asked whether he intended to bring Proust into his endeavour, as he has in the past. "Yes, I think that Proust would definitely have known what to make of the Terminal Five experience - A la recherche du Temps Perdu, might I suggest?"

Fuck the Swan

deanludd — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 00:00:37 +0100

Leader of the Opposition, David Cameron and the newest philospher of finance on the block, Nassim Taleb have today offered a rare consensus in the increasingly twisted world of political theory and have agreed that a future Conservative government will legalise the slaughter of Black Swans.

Cameron is well known to abhor the killing and eating of swans. An old Etonian, he is fully aware that their killing is a treasonable offence in England, since all swans are the property of the Queen.

However it is widely accepted nowadays that 'treason doth never prosper, for if it prosper none dare call it treason.' And with this in mind Cameron and Taleb are now working on plans to slaughter all of the Black Swans in England and Wales.

Now for those of you who do not know what the 'Black Swan' actually is, Taleb describes it as a "low-probability, high-impact event" that cannot effectively be predicted by any current economic theory - meaning... no theory past or present can tell you when the bad,'Black Swan' is on it way. However, what we do know is that its effect can be devastating - as we saw with the credit crunch.

"The credit crunch was caused by too many 'important' people and their advisers propagating theories in order to achieve their so called 'economic and financial' goals and then going on to bank their ill gotten gains. Killing those bad 'Black Swans' is a good move; it will have a positive effect not just on the world of finance but on society in general. It will bring stability.

"The Queen no longer trades in swans nor cares much about them, and we know that she does not care about 'Black Swans' for sure. But she cares even less about this thing you British call 'theory', or in this instance 'economic theory'. So killing the proverbial 'Black Swan' will kinda be like 'water off a duck's back' for her Majesty..."

"It is with this in mind, that Mr Cameron should act - and act pretty soon - after getting into office. Kill the swan, I say. And let me add this: Mr Cameron should be praised for endorsing an idea that is created not by an aristocratic hanger on or adviser, but by someone who started out in the very markets that caused this nightmare in the first place."

Mr. Nassim Taleb followed up later with: "Who says that your British aristocracy does not move with the times?"

Magna Charter

deanludd — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 23:00:42 +0100

The BBC and Channel Four have announced that they will jointly change their charters in order to allow the comedian David Mitchell to become the Director General of both organisations. The 'Peep Show' actor is increasingly making his presence felt in the media world, and in line with current broadcast-think, the more the medium comes to the man, the more the man becomes the message.

Mr Mitchell, or DG Mitchell as he will be known upon his elevation to the highest media post in the land, said tonight that he was ecstatic. "I accept that some viewers have seen a lot of me over recent months and might think that I am the only man running the country, I mean the show, right now. However, I have a head full of ideas and am looking forward to my new responsibilities and my glorious five year plans."

The other contenders for the top slot, Stephen Fry and Jonathon Ross tonight claimed that they were not in any way disappointed that Mitchell had pipped them to the post. "Had we spent more time appearing on comedy game shows and less time tweeting on Twitter, then either one of us could have become Director General." In a joint statement they continued, "We would however advise DG Mitchell that one day the BBC and Channel Four charters will end and will have to be renewed. So it is possible that the comedian's new role will be short lived."

A Mr. Murdoch was not available for comment.

Overpaid... over here!

deanludd — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 11:48:21 +0100

Health Secretary Andy Burnham is on the war-path again. The Guardian today reports that he has accused the Tories of planning to make the NHS the 'world's biggest quango'. This attack is being seen as an attempt to maintain the pressure on David Cameron after the MEP Daniel Hannan was upbraided for criticising the NHS on US prime-time TV.

"The NHS should really be roon a lot more like Everton Football club," claims plucky Northerner, Mr Burnham. "As everyone knows I love Everton FC more than I love the NHS. And I love Twitter more than both of them. But then who doesn't?" Mr Burnham went on to outline his recommendations: "What I would like to do is to make the NHS much more dynamic - in a way, rather like Everton FC, which is very, very dynamic indeed. We would like to get the NHS moving quicker, make sure that waiting lists never come back. And let me say one thing right now, there are no waiting lists at Everton FC... Oh no."

"People at Everton do a lot of running around, they kick footballs around the football pitch, which, let's face it is very exciting. They shout a lot... things like, 'come on you Toffeemen'. And let's face it that sounds a lot more exciting than 'MRSA' does it not?"

"The Tories, as we all know, would make the NHS much, much more like roogby football. They would 'try' very hard, but 'try' is all they would do. And I think that we all can safely say that we do not want to turn the NHS into one big scrum either, do we? Oh no."

Mr Burnham was asked whether he also intended to introduce into the NHS the Everton habit of paying massive transfer fees. Everton signed James Beattie for £6 million in January 2005, Andy Johnson for £8.6 million in summer 2006, Yakubu Aiyegbeni for £11.25 million in summer 2007, and Marouane Fellaini for £15 million in September 2008. Mr Burnham replied, "No, no, no, as we all know high salaries are currently under review and it would be very unpopular to pay them in the public sector... just as it appears very unpopular to pay them in the financial sector. So let me say right here and right now: Those salaries will remain firmly and solely the preserve of the 'football sector'... where it would of course quite naturally be foolish for the government to legislate ootherwise."

The Name of the Pose

deanludd — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 18:17:47 +0100

It is official. Lord Mandelson has another new title. Following on from his investiture as the First Lord of the Doors of Perception, Prime Minister Brown has revealed that he is from now on also to be known as 'The Tsar of all the Tsars'. It is thought that Peter Mandelson has for some weeks now been angling for a new title, since the others are nearing their sell-by dates. The 'Tsar' idea seemed a perfect solution in a modern Britain that calls everyone with any kind of influence 'Tsar'.

"We have toyed with a number of ideas such as 'Capo di tutti Capi' and 'The Boss of Bosses'," said the PM, "but we hit upon the idea that we needed a Tsar to oversee all the other Tsars that we intend to create before the next election. The term also sounds very British, I believe... at least in so far as the 19th Century Tsar of Russia was probably from the same womb as the King of England... or thereabouts."

Said Lord Mandelson tonight: "New Labour in modern Britain is about nothing if it is not about equality. One way of achieving this equality is by bringing back the concept of the Tsar, who as we all know was a kindly old man who loved his people and cared for them as a shepherd does his flock. No one could ever use the word 'Tsar' as a term of abuse, unless you think of Yekaterinburg where 'Old Labour' murdered the poor Tsar and his family."

The Surreality Race

deanludd — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 12:20:02 +0100

When it comes to the surreality stakes this blog sometimes struggles to keep up with the government. Every time a piece is posted on, say, Bruno becoming the new 'Comedy Tsar', the government goes one better... and announces, as it has today, something like the news that Kerry McCarthy, the MP for Bristol East, is to be appointed the new 'Twitter Tsar'.

It seems that this latest Twitter announcement must be true - it appeared in today's Guardian newspaper. But it is very frustrating and seems astonishingly unsporting that anything this blog can spoof, Brown can spoof better. Is what we are witnessing simply a concerted effort by Brown, Mandelson and co. to put the satirists, surrealists, cynics and post-modernists of this nation out of business - permanently?

Well, all that you can do in such circumstances is try to steal a march by posting a range of dumb policies ahead of the government. So here goes.... This is what Brown should do next:

* Appoint a UFO Tsar - Keep people informed of the presence of little green men
* Appoint a Big Brother Tsar - To encourage ordinary citizens to understand the reality TV show and learn how to be rich and famous.
* Appoint an Xbox Tsar - spread understanding of video games consoles
* Make Nigella Lawson the new Cookery Tsar - to encourage ordinary people to cook more and bring more cleavage into the kitchen
* Elevate Simon Cowell to the Lords - So that he can discover new talent for the government.
* Get Arlene Philips of Strictly Come Dancing to teach Alistair Darling to do the tango.
* Ask Lembit Opik to bring more saucy women into the Westminster village
* Force people to wear solar panels
* Encourage people to love Lord Mandelson
* Encourage people to smile when they see Harriet Harman appear on the box
* Appoint a Tsar Tsar to oversee Tsars and make people understand why we need Tsars in the first place
* Win the next general election

Treasure Island

deanludd — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 18:56:46 +0100

Never let it be said that the business secretary Lord Barbarossa would forsake a friend in need. After a recent banquet with a high profile mogul, Edward Teach, aka 'Blackbeard', the noble Lord has asked his officials to draw up draconian regulations on internet piracy. This apparently comes as a surprise in some parts of Whitehall as, until the meeting with Blackbeard, Lord Barbarossa, had shown little interest in the digital agenda.

Blackbeard and Barbarossa have themselves from time to time been suspected of 'piracy' although it is acknowledged that this is likely to be the form that was made legal in 1967 by a British government official called Lord Wolfenden. However as two of the mightiest forces on the 'high seas' they are determined between them to stamp out all other forms of piracy that they themselves have not personally endorsed.

Lord Barbarossa has a fearsome reputation, and is certainly not a man to cross. It is claimed that he knows exactly what to do with a drunken sailor - and not just early in the morning. In fact the Sunday Times today claims that at a recent party the Lord compared himself to Lavrenti Beria, Joseph Stalin's Chief of Police, a ruthless man, much feared in Russia in his day.

Perhaps it is appropriate then that the Lord will assist his buccaneer friend in the coming months by drafting new legislation to fit the crime of 'file-sharing'. It should be all very straightforward... As Beria himself once quipped, "Show me the man, and I will show you the crime."

Pirates of the high seas take note.

Labour and Tories to Cross Dress

deanludd — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 13:30:42 +0100

George Osborne and Peter Mandelson have today scandalised Westminster by announcing that they are to engage in a spot of role play. Mr Osborne has told the Guardian newspaper this morning that a future Conservative government would target greed and profligacy in the City, acting to "curb pay excesses across the financial services industry."

Meanwhile, Lord Mandelson, who is already famous for the comment that he was "intensely relaxed about being filthy rich," has been busy this summer hanging out with the billionaires David Geffen, Nat Goldsmith and Oleg Deripaska who, so far as we can tell, are not known for thinking that the 'the means of production should be in the hands of the proletariat.'

Osborne and Mandelson have been bound by mutual admiration ever since Osborne commended the way in which Mandelson 'dripped poison' (about Gordon Brown). Similarly, the ex-grammar school boy Mandelson is thought to have been beguiled by Osborne's taste in Savile Row suits and his Harrow schooling - even though Osborne's Old Etonian boss is actually rumoured to regard Harrow as the place where 'oiks and poofters hang out'.

In a joint statement the two claimed: "Cross dressing is nothing new in politics. In fact there have been a great number of MPs who have been partial to the proverbial 'fishnet and suspenders'. And as the parties of the left and right have moved closer to the centre ground over recent years it now makes perfect sense to try on eachothers political clothing to see whether this might 'turn on' a few extra members of the electorate."

Concluding the meeting, George Osborne said: "Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer, we'll keep the red flag flying here." Lord Mandelson then followed up with: "This is simply, and nothing more than, a brief moment of transtextuality... designed to get us through the next election...

"And I would very much like to add that I am intensely relaxed about Trollope."

Catfighting to be legalised

deanludd — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 21:18:22 +0100

Women have been given the green light to catfight. In a landmark ruling the international Olympic committee has given the go-ahead for women to be unpleasant to one another for the first time since a demonstration event at the St Louis games in 1904.

Women journalists in particular are breathing a sigh of relief at the ruling. It had been feared that the convention of 'sisterhood' might mean that women could only beat the shit out of men in future. But after a last minute intervention by the journalist Carole Malone, it was agreed that women could be nasty, spiteful and vicious to other women and also hit them with whatever implements might be at hand.

"Let's face it," said Alison Pearsson tonight. "The pen is mightier than the sword, but the stiletto is mightier still. And if you use all three you can really hurt your opponent without even worrying about whether you have to 'hit below the belt."

Julie Birch-all also had something to say: "Frankly, women are just men dressed as women, and I think that they deserve all they get. Personally I use neither pen nor sword but have perfected the art of the withering look... which some might say is somewhat dirty."

And Westminster babes joined the fray tonight as well. Harriet Harman the Minister for Women-have-the-right-to-kill-women claimed that this was a "small blow for womankind, a giant knock-out for women." The Minister for Babes went on, "I never thought I'd see the day where society had progressed to the point where everyone - men, women and children - have the right to be as nasty as they want to be to their fellow man, woman and child... This truly is equality in the making."

Cameron to 'ration' cabinet salaries

deanludd — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:59:02 +0100

Hot on the heels of 'confirmed bachelor' Alan Duncan's outburst about 'living on rations', the Leader of the Opposition David Cameron has now been accused of discriminating against the privileged. His decision to cut front bench salaries has been declared 'plutophobic' by certain high profile figures on both sides of the house who are partial to a 'bit on the side' (outside earnings) and who like 'batting for the other team' (the private sector).

But Mr Cameron who is yet to come out of the closet when it comes to declaring his own appetites thinks that he might be able to improve his standing with the public if he takes the knife to his honourable members. At a stroke he would appease a public that wants MPs to feel some of the pain of the recession whilst also appearing to show concern for more junior members who feel that Mr Cameron failed to shield them throughout the expenses scandal.

But the Conservative leader has of course failed to factor in Mayor Boris Johnson, or Boris the Blond Bombshell, as he is known in Eton circles. Boris is already known to have claimed that his own income is 'chicken-feed' - which amongst plutosexuals is code for 'not getting enough.' Boris is well known for his voracious appetites and whilst not a Cabinet Member, he has on many occasions expressed his opposition to 'milking the rich'. Boris said today: "My background might indeed be somewhat privileged. Some people even call me a 'nob'. But one thing I do know is that we 'nobs' should stick together."

But a chastened Mr Cameron replied: "I remember Boris from my Eton days and in those days we did indeed swing together. But if Boris thinks that I am going to jeopardise our chances at the next election so that he can feed his chicken then he has another thing coming."

A curse on both your hospitals

deanludd — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 20:47:35 +0100

People seriously in need of medical help on both sides of the Atlantic have been proving just how serious they are about medical help by voicing their opinions on 'Twitter'. In the US, jocks who loathe free healthcare have been comparing the NHS to Bolivian death squads and the Lubyanka. They have posted tweets such as 'The NHS kills more people than it cures' and 'Being treated in a British hospital is like being tortured in the Gulag Archipelago' and 'Lenin was treated by the NHS and look where it got him.'

Meanwhile, in London the Prime Minister Gordon Brown has come out guns blazing by saying, "The NHS, it is quite nice. Honestly." And in a shock tweet tonight the Health Secretary, Andy Burnham, showed the depth of his feeling for free healthcare by tweeting that he loved the NHS about as much as Everton Football Club (which in some parts of Northern England is about as close as you are ever going to get to a witty riposte).

So will the battle for free healthcare really be won on the playing fields of Twitter? Will we seriously 'fight them on the internet' where once upon a time we would have fought them 'on the beaches'? And what hope have we when the men at the top and the men in grey suits and the bureaucrats and the management consultants and the PRs and the scumbag hangers-on now tell us: In soundbites we trust?

Maybe the last word (or last 'tweet') should be that of the wife of the British Prime Minister, herself a PR, who entered the fray this evening with this lofty meditation (quoted verbatim in actual fact):

"We love the NHS more than words can say."

With that level of profundity, who needs 'the beaches'?

Brownian Motion

deanludd — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 17:51:53 +0100

Politicians of all parties are becoming rather excited about a research paper published by a team from Hong Kong University and Fudan University in Shanghai that suggests that 'invisible gateways' like the one in Harry Potter, are becoming a step closer to reality. With the help of a technique known as transformation optics, the research team has found a way to alter the pathway of light waves that could eventually allow them to develop portals that are invisible to the human eye.

Published in the New Journal of Physics this month, the article offers new hope that touchy political subjects such as government debt, MPs expenses, 'mission creep' and state surveillance could yet be hidden from the public gaze. Since the time when the government of Gordon Brown was caught massaging public debt figures by employing 'off-balance sheet' accounting, and since the time when excessive expense claims put in by MPs were uncovered thanks to the Freedom of Information act, the Westminster Pillage has been seeking new ways to hide its racketeering and extortion.

Gordon Brown said today, "New Labour always has been and always will be very excited about the way in which physics can benefit politics, and in particular government, of course. We realised early on that the modern computer would be useful to us in the monitoring and guidance of our citizens. But as spin and illusion move into the Twenty First Century and as science increasingly becomes a tool of public relations - look at swine flu, for example - we firmly believe that these worthy physicists can have a role to play in giving people, let's say, a better vision, a more positive vision... the kind of vision that will allow them to see the light... or, of course, to see the lack of light... whichever the case may be."

"As Albert Einstein himself noted, E=MC Squared... Or to put it another way, 'Electioneering equals Manipulation times Chicanery to the power of two (the two being me and the Dark Lord, Peter Voldemort, of course.)"

The Ministry of Insight

deanludd — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 09:31:40 +0100

The man with the longest moniker in the United Kingdom - First Secretary of State for Narrative, Secretary of State for Prisms, and Lord President of the Doors of Perception – Peter Mandelson has been defending the government record on surveillance.

In a rare moment of modesty, Mr Mandelson was trying to downplay the UK’s outstanding record on state and local authority sponsored surveillance. It has recently emerged that the United Kingdom is at the cutting edge of this activity, with one in 78 adults coming under state sanctioned monitoring last year. A total of 653 state bodies, including 474 local councils, are allowed to use surveillance powers.

Lord Mandelson said in his trademark hushed but vibrant tones: “This is no time for conceit or vanity. Yes, Britain is a world class player when it comes to snooping on its own citizens, but we are not yet in the 'premier league'. Remember, the Stasi created a state where neighbour spied upon neighbour, where family spied upon family. What is more, we really must not be smug, when so many journalists, MPs and even ordinary citizens are aware of the level of surveillance that is undertaken.”

“We will never really have achieved our goal until every man, woman and child understands that there is no way of knowing whether they are being watched at any given moment, and that the idea of comprehending how often, or on what system, the government plugs in on them is complete guesswork. So let’s face it, we are not there yet... for a start you journalists would not be asking me these silly questions were we to be.”

When he was finally asked why he was so concerned about the ‘conceit and vanity’ angles related to this activity, Lord Mandelson sighed and said, “Some people, I am afraid, think that I am conceited and that I am vain… that I appear smug about the ‘empire’ that I have built for myself and the influence that I enjoy within Cabinet. But let me just say this: vain I might be, but do not be in any doubt, I for one will be staying firmly on this side of the looking glass.”

Brown to elevate Bruno

deanludd — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 22:09:02 +0100

It is rumoured that Prime Minister Gordon Brown is set to elevate the comedian Sacha Baron Cohen to the Lords and appoint him as his new ‘Comedy Tsar’. Mr. Brown has been aware for some time that the current Cabinet is looking rather glum. And he himself has been told on many occasions that whenever he tries to smile people are terrified that he is going to retch.

One advantage of the appointment, it is thought, is the title that Cohen will take upon elevation. Instead of becoming a real Baron, he will instead juggle his names and become Baron Sacha Cohen. This also sounds a lot better than the other idea that had originally been offered, which was for him to become Baron Sacha Baron Cohen… which sounds stupid.

Brown hopes that with the addition of Baron Cohen, the Cabinet will get a three in one comedy act – Ali G, Borat and Bruno – effectively, three comedy Tsars for the price of one. Cohen is still negotiating the complete title, although Brown is thought to have ruled out Baron Cohen of Kazakstan on the grounds of political correctness. Another idea being put about is Baron Bruno of Haberdashers Askes (Cohen’s old school), although Cohen is thought to have stated that the Haberdashers are so last season.

The Prime Minister has, quite naturally, had to deny that the whole ‘Elevation of Bruno' affair is just another one of Baron Cohen’s classic ‘sting’ operations. The comedian who is considered to have burnt all his bridges over recent years is suspected of wanting to take one last pop… and this time at the man at the top.

But the PM stated this afternoon in a mild Kazak accent: “Yes, but it’s very nice. It is a… nice… My friend, my friend, Borat did not approach me on this occasion. I approach him. It is clear that my comedian friend is shit out of characters to play and of people to wind up… and the government of Gordon Brown is shit out of merriment and laughter and gaiety. So it makes perfect sense for Mr. Baron Baron Cohen to inject a little bit of humour into government, whilst also undertaking a role – the Comedy Tsar – which will allow people to start taking him seriously…

"...For the first time in his life...”