A row has broken out over whether the ‘Means of Manipulation’ resides in the hands of the proletariat, the hands of the Labour Government or the hands of one man (and his holiday buddies).

The whole world and his aunt knows by now about the long running feud that exists between ‘the people’ on one hand and the (Labour) Government on the other over who really controls the ‘Means of Production.’ Some have long argued that although the ‘Means of Production’ is supposedly controlled by the government on behalf of the people, in reality the government (AKA ‘the guys running the show’) does what ever the hell it likes with the 'Means of Production' on a day to day basis, because it knows best and damn anyone who thinks otherwise.

But a new light has been cast on this mainstream perspective since the summertime row erupted over who currently controls the ‘Means of Manipulation’. Since PM Brown went away on holiday, his right hand woman, Harriet 'The Firebrand' Harman has been trying to ‘set the agenda’ with announcements on women’s initiatives and ‘equality blitzes’. But now that Peter ‘The Manager’ Mandelson has taken over the reins there are fears that he will start spinning with all the zeal and all the passion of a French Revolutionary ‘Tricoteuse’.

So here is the question: Since we all know that the government of the people by the people for the people is the only justification for government in the first place, and since we also know that the ‘guy currently running the country’ is holed up on a comfortable yacht in Corfu, in the company of a couple of billionaires and a Russian oligarch, and since we also surely know that the ‘Means of Manipulation’ should only ever, ever be in the hands of the people… in whom (in whom the hell) should we, the British people, be currently putting our trust?

In God, probably.

Rumours are circulating that Pop-Doc, and Holistic Therapist, Gillian McKeith is to host a new ‘You are what you eat’ special that will analyse the excrement of a range of celebrities and other high profile figures. Following on from the success of the BBC’s ‘Who do you think you are?’ which showed celebs in tears as they studied their, often sorry, ancestries, McKeith believes that she could similarly have celebs in tears as she analyses their somewhat malodorous faeces.

“I have often wanted to take a peek at the shit that comes out of members of the cabinet and shadow cabinet,” reveals McKeith. “I have often conjectured that ‘long-lunchers’ such as John Prescott and Sir Nicholas Soames must have fascinating poo. And let’s face it is not just the case that you are what eat,” continued the plucky Scottish Doc, “Indeed you could even say that you are what you sheet, if you don’t mind ma' saying.”

Until now Doctor McKeith, who is alleged to have obtained her Doctorate through a Twitter correspondence course, has studied the faecal matter of a range of predominantly unknowns. These ‘lab-rats’ are often glumly told by the officious Doc that their stools are not up to scratch. But the cunning Miss McKeith has now hit upon the idea that members of the public would love to see high profile figures being given the McKeith treatment. And in a day and age where every reality TV show will inevitably end up being given a ‘celebrity makeover’ it made perfect sense to 'go celeb' with ‘You are what you eat.’

“Let’s face it.” She says. “What could be more appealing than seeing the likes of Jeremy Paxman or Toby Young or Germaine Greer being given the ultimatum: “Either eat more wheat grass and beetroot juice, ma friend, or carry on producing those reeking, humming stools. The choice is yours.”