It is official. Lord Mandelson has another new title. Following on from his investiture as the First Lord of the Doors of Perception, Prime Minister Brown has revealed that he is from now on also to be known as 'The Tsar of all the Tsars'. It is thought that Peter Mandelson has for some weeks now been angling for a new title, since the others are nearing their sell-by dates. The 'Tsar' idea seemed a perfect solution in a modern Britain that calls everyone with any kind of influence 'Tsar'.
"We have toyed with a number of ideas such as 'Capo di tutti Capi' and 'The Boss of Bosses'," said the PM, "but we hit upon the idea that we needed a Tsar to oversee all the other Tsars that we intend to create before the next election. The term also sounds very British, I believe... at least in so far as the 19th Century Tsar of Russia was probably from the same womb as the King of England... or thereabouts."
Said Lord Mandelson tonight: "New Labour in modern Britain is about nothing if it is not about equality. One way of achieving this equality is by bringing back the concept of the Tsar, who as we all know was a kindly old man who loved his people and cared for them as a shepherd does his flock. No one could ever use the word 'Tsar' as a term of abuse, unless you think of Yekaterinburg where 'Old Labour' murdered the poor Tsar and his family."