Women have been given the green light to catfight. In a landmark ruling the international Olympic committee has given the go-ahead for women to be unpleasant to one another for the first time since a demonstration event at the St Louis games in 1904.

Women journalists in particular are breathing a sigh of relief at the ruling. It had been feared that the convention of 'sisterhood' might mean that women could only beat the shit out of men in future. But after a last minute intervention by the journalist Carole Malone, it was agreed that women could be nasty, spiteful and vicious to other women and also hit them with whatever implements might be at hand.

"Let's face it," said Alison Pearsson tonight. "The pen is mightier than the sword, but the stiletto is mightier still. And if you use all three you can really hurt your opponent without even worrying about whether you have to 'hit below the belt."

Julie Birch-all also had something to say: "Frankly, women are just men dressed as women, and I think that they deserve all they get. Personally I use neither pen nor sword but have perfected the art of the withering look... which some might say is somewhat dirty."

And Westminster babes joined the fray tonight as well. Harriet Harman the Minister for Women-have-the-right-to-kill-women claimed that this was a "small blow for womankind, a giant knock-out for women." The Minister for Babes went on, "I never thought I'd see the day where society had progressed to the point where everyone - men, women and children - have the right to be as nasty as they want to be to their fellow man, woman and child... This truly is equality in the making."

Hot on the heels of 'confirmed bachelor' Alan Duncan's outburst about 'living on rations', the Leader of the Opposition David Cameron has now been accused of discriminating against the privileged. His decision to cut front bench salaries has been declared 'plutophobic' by certain high profile figures on both sides of the house who are partial to a 'bit on the side' (outside earnings) and who like 'batting for the other team' (the private sector).

But Mr Cameron who is yet to come out of the closet when it comes to declaring his own appetites thinks that he might be able to improve his standing with the public if he takes the knife to his honourable members. At a stroke he would appease a public that wants MPs to feel some of the pain of the recession whilst also appearing to show concern for more junior members who feel that Mr Cameron failed to shield them throughout the expenses scandal.

But the Conservative leader has of course failed to factor in Mayor Boris Johnson, or Boris the Blond Bombshell, as he is known in Eton circles. Boris is already known to have claimed that his own income is 'chicken-feed' - which amongst plutosexuals is code for 'not getting enough.' Boris is well known for his voracious appetites and whilst not a Cabinet Member, he has on many occasions expressed his opposition to 'milking the rich'. Boris said today: "My background might indeed be somewhat privileged. Some people even call me a 'nob'. But one thing I do know is that we 'nobs' should stick together."

But a chastened Mr Cameron replied: "I remember Boris from my Eton days and in those days we did indeed swing together. But if Boris thinks that I am going to jeopardise our chances at the next election so that he can feed his chicken then he has another thing coming."