The man with the longest moniker in the United Kingdom - First Secretary of State for Narrative, Secretary of State for Prisms, and Lord President of the Doors of Perception – Peter Mandelson has been defending the government record on surveillance.

 

In a rare moment of modesty, Mr Mandelson was trying to downplay the UK’s outstanding record on state and local authority sponsored surveillance. It has recently emerged that the United Kingdom is at the cutting edge of this activity, with one in 78 adults coming under state sanctioned monitoring last year. A total of 653 state bodies, including 474 local councils, are allowed to use surveillance powers.

 

Lord Mandelson said in his trademark hushed but vibrant tones: “This is no time for conceit or vanity. Yes, Britain is a world class player when it comes to snooping on its own citizens, but we are not yet in the 'premier league'. Remember, the Stasi created a state where neighbour spied upon neighbour, where family spied upon family. What is more, we really must not be smug, when so many journalists, MPs and even ordinary citizens are aware of the level of surveillance that is undertaken.”

 

“We will never really have achieved our goal until every man, woman and child understands that there is no way of knowing whether they are being watched at any given moment, and that the idea of comprehending how often, or on what system, the government plugs in on them is complete guesswork. So let’s face it, we are not there yet... for a start you journalists would not be asking me these silly questions were we to be.”

 

When he was finally asked why he was so concerned about the ‘conceit and vanity’ angles related to this activity, Lord Mandelson sighed and said, “Some people, I am afraid, think that I am conceited and that I am vain… that I appear smug about the ‘empire’ that I have built for myself and the influence that I enjoy within Cabinet. But let me just say this: vain I might be, but do not be in any doubt, I for one will be staying firmly on this side of the looking glass.”