Transcript 1: "Don, just because I'm your 'humble' secretary, it doesn't give you the right to throw up the Triple Chocolate Black Forest Gateau that I so lovingly made you. Would you do that with your wife's cakes? I bet you wouldn't. And when am I going to see you for some 'ministerial duties?' Can't you put aside those wretched dispatch boxes for one evening?"

Transcript 2: "Hi Maurice, I'm not surprised your Missus suspects you after what you told me. You are such a buffoon. What on earth possessed you to shout out 'Betsy' when you were making love to her the other day? And of course she's going to be suspicious if you start asking her to try different positions after all these years? How long have you been married?

Transcript 3: "Hello Nessa. Sorry I won't be able to make it back this weekend. My 'Italian friend' has a bit of a 'proposition'. He's prepared to pay off our mortgage if I give him an alibi. Apparently I'm to tell the investigators we were eating meatballs at Luigi's off Ponte Vecchio. Sounds like an 'offer I can't refuse'!"

Transcript 4: "Yeah,'ello, Mr Romford, I'm Cindy Nubbins. You might've seen me on the reality show "Don't Bother". I got some information that you might find really interessing. I slep' with that footballer Kevin Croopy from Liverpool City. I'm prepared to spill the bins. But I need an 'undred kay minimum though."

The PM got in a muddle today when he tried to 'tweet' about the failure to agree a global warming target at L'Aquila. Thinking it would be clever to use the suffix gate - first used in Watergate - he tried G8gate... before he then decided that it should clearly be G8G8... then he changed it to GateG8, then he gave up and asked his wife to send it instead.

It has shockingly been revealed today that an Australian gentleman who normally pays famous people lots of money, has paid someone else lots of money for information about those selfsame famous people.

What normally happens is that the Australian gentleman pays celebs and other public figures lots and lots of money for information about themselves, or, more often than not, for sensitive personal information about others - be they former lovers or one night stands. In the 'trade' this is known as 'kiss and tell'.

What appears, quite outrageously, to have happened in this case is that he paid a 'middleman' to tap into the mobile phones of those celebs and public figures and obtained all sorts of personal detail without paying them. A 'giant' of reality television who asked to remain nameless said, "It's flippin' disgusting. I could have made hundreds of thousands of pounds selling my night one stand with the footballer, **name deleted** to the press. But they come along and trespass on my privacy and get it for free.

A famous 'cabinet' minister said, "I find it reprehensible that this Australian gentleman revealed details about my expenses claim for a 17th Century 'goose lodge' when I fully intended to release the information by a series of 'informal leaks'.

An anonymous member of the Royal Family said, "Doesn't this Australian gentleman know? There is a protocol for releasing sensitive information into the public domain. And to the best of my knowledge, mobile phones taps isn't one of them! What is the point of paying hundreds of thousands of pounds to PRs to 'massage the news' if some fellow can just come along and take the data with impunity. Anyone would think that this Australian gentleman does not like the Monarchy!"

Another 'member' of the government said, "Who does he think he is anyway, tapping into people's phones like that? The bloody Home Office? Doesn't he realise that snooping on people's private data is our job?"

A high profile Public Relations expert who was himself bugged by the Australian gentleman summed up the mood of everybody involved in the case:-
"If Mandy Nipples can't get an honest 100K by baring all about her saucy night with Gary Bonewood, then what's the world coming to?"