The Pope tonight apologised on behalf of the Catholic Church for 'lighting the touchpaper that was to become the Reformation'.

In a direct appeal to the British Monarchy he said that he accepted that Rome should not have meddled in Henry VIII's love life, and that it was perfectly okay for a leader, Catholic or otherwise, to marry or divorce whomsoever he wished.

The Catholic church claims that it has moved with the times and no longer has the need to comment on the sex lives of European leaders, even those of Catholic extraction.

He finished his appeal to the British Monarchy by saying that, in view of his leniency in respect of Henry VIII, Signor Berlusconi - and any one else who might want to avoid any kind of judgement at any time in the future - "was there any chance that we might have our Monasteries back?"

The Chancellor Alistair Darling has caused a storm after suggesting that Herr Wilhelm Cuno, the Chancellor who generated the Weimar hyperinflation of the 1920s knew 'how to get things done'. It had been reported that Chancellor Darling was impressed at the speed at which Chancellor Cuno had printed money and generated hyperinflation under conditions not unlike those today.

Elsewhere it has been suggested that Pope Benedict has praised Alfonso Borgia for the way in which he 'got things done'. It is suggested that the Pope is impressed by the speed at which this diplomat from Aragon became Pope in the fifteenth century and became so influential during the Renaissance. "There is no doubt, " said a spokeman for the Pope, "That the new political and financial world order that the Pope is promulgating today would have been easily achievable under the Borgias."

And in a twist to this story, The Prime Minister of Italy, currently under fire for not getting things that were promised at the G8 done, suggested today that he admired the eighteenth century Venetian womanizer, Giacomo Casanova, for the way in which he 'got things done.' A spokesman for Signor Berlusconi later indicated that the Premier was referring to Casanova's personal accomplishments rather than public or international achievements.

Researchers at Newcastle University claim to have made a remarkable breakthrough in stem cell technology. For the first time they have been able to produce a fully operational scientist from a human embryonic stem cell.

This is a critical development at a time when the Government is seeking to cut funding in a range of academic disciplines. One of the researchers involved said, "At a stroke, the Government would be able to slash the funding of science in schools and Universities, as it would be possible to create complete and fully functioning scientists from single stem cells.

Apparently there is yet further excitement over the fact that it might be possible to determine the discipline and the quality of the research that the scientists will undertake in later life, thus making it conceivable to award these scientists the Nobel Prize before they're are even born.

With a large grin on his face, one specialist in physiology and reproduction commented, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for man-glue."