A number of the city's 'big swinging dicks' have got the horn upon hearing that 'boners are back'. Traders have been seen running around Threadneedle Street with twenty pound notes stapled to their 'johnsons' shouting, "Do you want some.?"

The Mayor, Boris 'Johnson' said, "I can understand their excitement but I know for a fact that it is very painful when    ***THIS BIT HAS BEEN MODERATED***

The Chancellor, Alistair Darling said, "I can understand their excitement but 'growth' won't return until they  ***THIS BIT HAS BEEN MODERATED***

Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone has denied saying that "Hitler knew how to get things done." He claims that he was misheard and what he actually said was, "Hitler would have loved Formula One."

"It is obvious that the Fuhrer would have loved the Grand Prix. Imagine how delighted he would have been to know that the head of the governing body was called 'Mosley'. Adolf adored his father, Sir Oswald... And just think what he could have done with those high performance engines. He could have 'Blitzkrieg'd' his way to Vladivostok before Stalin could say 'Uncle Joe'. 'Vorsprung durch Technik,' as they might have said back in the Fatherland."

Asked whether he had a 'small man complex', he replied, "No, I'm bigger than Hitler... But can you now stop asking me so many questions. Vee ask zee qvestions!"

When pressed on whether he felt positive about this weekend's German Grand Prix, Mr Ecclestone said later, "I'll try not to mention the war, but I do rather feel that tomorrow belongs to me."

Ex Pentagon chief, Robert McNamara has died aged 93. Mac was primarily associated with exporting his 'brand' to Cuba and South East Asia. Using his marketing expertise, gained from running Ford, he expanded his role as Defence Secretary and 'went global'.

The brand however did not appeal to either Cuban or Asian palates, comprised as it was of 'flame-grilled' meat and a lot of 'white flour' wrapped in somewhat uninspiring packaging.

Mac later regretted his role in the Vietnam War, describing the war as "terribly wrong" owing to a combination of the anti-communist climate of the times, mistaken assumptions of foreign policy and military misjudgements

"It was clear that they didn't want this fluffy processed 'white flour' offering, but instead preferred 'Nam bread'. Whilst we just viewed this war as a case of exporting our 'merchandise' they viewed it as case of avoiding starvation."