Leader of the opposition David Cameron has been reprimanded for displaying lewd and outrageous behaviour during a 'light-hearted' interview on Absolute Radio. He was asked what he thought of the social networking website Twitter and responded that he'd "never f****** heard of it" and that social networking "is a pile of s*** anyway."

The remark was greeted with raucous laughter in the studio, with host Christian O'Connell saying: 'That's fantastic.' It appears however that this only served to embolden Mr Cameron, whereupon he continued, "And don't get me started on the general public who use these websites either. They're a bunch of complete and utter w******. They don't wash, they are vulgar and uneducated and probably think that the Eton Wall Game is some competition that 'brickies' f****** play."

"They should start teaching these little jerks Latin in primary school. Reading "De Bello Gallico" would knock a bit of sense into these blighters. What these pasty little oiks also need is a good bloody kicking. And preferably where the sun don't shine."

When the leader of the opposition was finally asked, "Mr. Cameron, do you still believe in 'hugging a hoodie'?" the Conservative leader responded by saying:

"No, I don't. Fuck 'em."

The military historian Antony Beevor has moaned about the high incidence of 'historical fiction' that appears on this year's Booker Prize shortlist. "The barrier between fact and fiction is eroding fast," he has written. He has coined two new words to highlight this trend - "histotainment" and "faction-creep."

He was referring specifically, it is thought, to the first known case of a monkey with a typewriter, that has managed to re-create Shakespeare's history play, Richard III. Some scholars have already started to refer to these history plays as "Histotragedy" or "Tragi-creep". But Beevor suggests that this 'monkey-me book' is a 'step too far' and he reckons that fiction is starting to twist history to its own 'neanderthal' ends.

The novel is written by a chimp with the pseudonym of Simian Wakespeare. In it he imagines life as a primate at the court of King Edward IV. This 'courtier' is regularly laughed at because of his 'gangly gait' and his tendency to 'knuckle walk'. But one day Simian 'loses it' and slaughters everyone in a bid to take over the Throne himself (this is a reference to a genre known as 'Planet of the Apes'.)

This all goes well until his trusted lieutenants, first Buckingham and then Stanley, turn against him. Stanley joins the side of Henry at the battle of Bonobo Field and Richard is soon unhorsed on the field at the climax of the battle. He utters the often-quoted line, "A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse."

Rumour has it that the horse in question is in the process of signing a three book deal with 'Random Horse' and hopes to be included in a  Bookie Prize Shortlist at some later date.

Historian, Antony Beevor commented: "History ain't what it used to be."