The glamour model Katie Price, aka Jordan has confirmed that will she stand for the seat of Luton South at the next election. The sitting MP, Margaret Moran who was criticised for claiming dry rot treatment at her Southampton home on expenses will not be standing for re-election.

Explaining why she was standing, Jordan claimed "I always 'ad a fondness for Lu'ton Airpor', and since my childhood I always 'oped that I might one day get the chance to become a Lu'on MP. In fact in me early modelin' days a lot of photographers used to say a me, 'You know what Katie, you ought become an MP, you'd be so good at giving something back to a communi'y.' And I fink they were righ'."

It has been revealed that a fondness amongst celebrities for the charms of Lu'on Airpor' has sparked a rush of famous people wanting to stand. Esther Rantzen has already confirmed that she is standing. Susan Boyle from 'Britain's got Tacky' is also considering standing. And in a shock announcement tonight it has been revealed that the entire girl band, 'Girls Aloud' will try to squeeze in on a 'joint ticket.'

When asked what he thought of the line-up, a local Luton South resident, Gary Tossley,  said, "Cor, that Jordan, I wouldn't mind taking a look at her manifesto."

The former Labour Parliamentary Secretary at the Cabinet Office, Tom Watson today appeared on BBC's Radio 4 to state that New Labour intends to bore people into submission at the next election by releasing its manifesto on Twitter. The news comes hot on the heels of the revelation that Whitehall officials are increasingly using Twitter to 'get their message across'.

Neil Williams who is head of 'corporate digital channels' at Lord Mandelson's Department of Business has already written that the government intends to expand and 'manage' its corporate presence on Twitter. Apparently departmental 'digital media teams' will discuss potential 'tweets' at the morning press cuttings meeting.

But this morning Mr. Watson announced that the government has decided to go one step further and release the entire manifesto on Twitter using 'text chat lingo'. It is universally acknowledged that literacy in the UK is at an all time low and that the only way to communicate big ideas such as 'means of production' (mEnz of production) is to Twitter them to the population. It is hoped that the ordinary Brit will have a long enough attention span to read the new 'sound-bite' or rather 'bite-sized' (TM) manifesto.

An example of a typical Whitehall 'Tweet' was offered on the Radio 4 programme, Today. It gives an indication of what the electorate thinks of the current government and it is intended that this kind of shorthand will eventually become the everyday means of communication (mEnz of communication) across government departments. The tweet is as follows:-

"d labour pRT of gr8 britain iz morally bankrupt & iz UslS @ runN d cuntrE."