The Health Secretary Andy Burnham has tonight admitted that he was forced to simulate pregnancy over the weekend as he attempted to empathise with women who were worried about swine flu. In an experiment forced upon him by Equalities Minister Harriet Harman, the Health Secretary was forced to undergo a simulated pregnancy. The aim of the experiment was for him to 'know what it must be like to be pregnant when there's all this swine flu going around.'

"It were quite a challenge," admitted the plucky Yorkshireman. "I know that there are all these health pregnancy issues related to swine flu right now, and I thought that I were sorting it in my own sweet way... But when Harriet comes along and says to you that she wants something and that she wants it now, thou dost not cross her."

This is the latest in a series of initiatives by the Equalities Minister to encourage male members of the cabinet to know what it is like to be so valuable to mankind and yet so under-appreciated. "I must be totally frank with you," she said firmly. "We are being very, very fair about all of this. We are doing exactly the same with women members of the cabinet as we are with the men. We are getting them to learn how to empathise as well. They are developing the arts of talking incessantly about football, getting very drunk, eating kebabs, spilling beer, getting into fights and finally vomiting whilst they are becoming amorous with their loved ones. Don't let anyone say that the Department of Equality isn't fair and reasonable."

Former No10 spin doctor Damien McBride today makes his first faltering steps down the road to rehabilitation. Three months after resigning as a special adviser he has been talking at length about the 'Smeargate' emails that he sent to Derek Draper, and that earned him the title among Lobby correspondents of 'McPoison'.

The emails containing slurs against prominent Conservatives sparked a storm that undermined Gordon Brown at a time when he was basking in the 'glory' of the G20. Brown chaired the summit and was widely held at this point in time to have 'saved the world' following the collapse of the investment banking system that he had so eagerly nurtured and championed for so long.

"What can I say?" asks McBride. "Gordon was absolutely bloody furious. He was so furious when he rang me that he couldn't speak - quite literally." The former spin doctor goes on, "It was at breakfast. The wife comes in and says 'there's that man on the phone again doing his heavy breathing.' She hands the receiver to me. 'Hello? Hello?' I says. 'Who is this?' But the fellow at the other end won't say anything. 'Gordon, is that you? Please say something Gordon. I know you're really, really cross with me, but please, please say something.' But still he doesn't speak. 'Gordon, I know that I have let you down. I know that you only ever hired me to spread goodness and light. I know you only ever wanted me to say nice things about people and to make people feel joyous and uplifted whenever they see those words, 'Gordon Brown'. And so they should, they should feel joyous after all the good work you've done, saving the world and suchlike...."

"But what can I say Gordon? What can I say? Oh, how I've let you down. How could I be such a fool to ignore those words of wisdom you gave me when you hired me: 'Be kind and generous and magnanimous to all people, even unto your enemies'. Follow my Christian message, you said, Gordon... Always turn the other cheek and never say things like 'The leader of the opposition has horns and his wife has a gambling problem.' You told me Gordon: 'If you haven't anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.' But did I take your advice? No, I didn't, fool that I am. And for that there is no punishment great enough. Please stick the boot into me Gordon, please beat me around Westminster Green until I bleed. I will wear sackcloth for my remaining years. No punishment is hard enough."

Mr. McBride was finally asked what he intended to do with his life now that he had been so disgraced, "Oh, well after I've published my memoirs, I suppose I'll return to front line politics... That is, after I've done my penance of course, and after Gordon's stopped being really, really angry with me... which he still is, of course."