A group of 'Dragons' tonight made television history when they rejected the opportunity to purchase the BBC show, 'The Dragons Den'.

The five Dragons were each offered a stake in the programme by the broadcaster 'Mr Evan Davis', but rejected the offer, to quote Peter Jones, "On account of the fact that the programme is total bullshit."

Mr Jones went on to say, "Why would anyone trust the intentions of a bunch of smug, self-serving, media-obsessed tossers who have so much money that the only thing left to invest in is their TV image."

"These guys would sell their grandmothers if it looked cool." said James Khan. "Then they would use the money they had made to invest in someone else's grandmother, just in order to show how decent they are."

"But," added Deborah Meaden, "they would then renegotiate the deal the next day, if they thought that they might be able to squeeze a bit more cash out of it. And the licence fee paying viewers would be none the wiser!"

The Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced that he will elevate an entire hedge fund to the House of Lords so that it can join the cabinet. The eight man hedge fund is based in Mayfair, a short helicopter ride from Parliament. The traders will take on a range of functions within Treasury, Energy and Work and Pensions, chief of which will be the management of the UK's financial assets and the operation of a structured Gilts market.

"The economy is moving into uncharted territory," said the Prime Minister, "and so the cabinet must move with it. We have hired a hedge fund of all the talents, all of whom have given their word not to jump ship for at least a couple of weeks, thereby justifying their lifetime elevation to the Lords. It is clear from the recent success of Goldman Sachs in achieving bumper profits that only an experienced bond desk can trade us out of the economic situation in which we find ourselves."

When asked whether he had undergone a change of heart, in view of his earlier condemnation of unacceptable bonuses, the PM was forthright in his response: "I should always like to quote John Maynard Keynes on these occasions: 'When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, sir?' It is clear that the economic climate has changed significantly in the past few months. If bankers are receiving seven figure bonuses then it is obvious that the economy is past the worst. We are moving on to the next great 'Act' in the New Labour narrative!"

When asked whether the hedge fund traders would be asked to give up their second jobs, the PM replied: "No, the Cabinet posts will be their second jobs."