The US investment bank Morgan Stanley caused outrage today when it published a research note written by a senior citizen suggesting that Twitter is rarely used by "people over the age of one hundred".

The head of the bank's European Media team decided that "the old fellow knew what he was talking about  - for once." He then went on to claim that the old man's research note was "one of the clearest and most thought-provoking insights we have seen – so we published it"

The geriatric, a Mr. Murdoch, who is a veteran of Arpanet, the internet's predecessor, claimed, "Twitter is useless. It is a moronic and monosyllabic means of communicating, and anyway, I am much, much too old to use a keyboard anymore. My fingers are awfully stiff even when I put the ointment on them. Furthermore, all my friends are dead, so I have no-one to tweet, but even if I did, I wouldn't tweet, so there. When my grandchildren ring me up and ask me whether I have seen their latest tweets, I always tell them that I did not know what these silly 'tweets' were that they were sending me, and so I probably threw them all in the bin... assuming, that is, that I actually remember whatever question it is that they have asked me in the first place. Which I probably don't."