The author of the 'Naked Girl's guide to Feminism' has been defending her work from claims that it is vacuous 'chick-lit' after it was derided this week by the journalist Libby Brooks. In the book the author claims that Barbie is a feminist icon, and that you shouldn't judge something to be crap just because it's mass produced and heavily marketed to impressionable young girls.

The author who goes by the name of 'Ellie' and who is a regular writer on the Guardian newspaper, said "My feminism is about realism, looking at the issues and choices that face us every day – what to wear, whether to put on make-up, who cooks dinner, whether the route home is safe, whether to apply for promotion at work, and so on."

When she was asked whether little girls really had much choice about asking for a Barbie, in view of the fact that they would feel left out by their friends if Mummy and Daddy didn't buy them one, Ellie replied resolutely, "It is evident that the Barbie doll is an exquisitely made item, similar in its own way to a Dior handbag or a pair of Jimmy Choos. It has been extremely effective in showing what a young lady should aspire to in life. It is obvious that unless a young girl learns early on that you can 'have it all' and you can shop till you drop, she will never make any effort to get to the top of the ladder and be respected as an elegant and effortlessly superior rich bitch."

"Failing that she can just marry a rich man, of course."

The BBC weather forecaster Michael Fish has written a letter to the Queen apologising for the fact that he predicted a long hot 'barbecue summer' when nothing of the sort actually occured. In the letter entitled, "Phew, your Majesty, not a scorcher." Mr. Fish begs the Queen not to "remove my head from my shoulders as it was not my head that was the guilty party."

Mr Fish explains that the Met office has for some time been using the same kind of computer simulations and statistical modelling techniques that brought about the credit crunch. "We all hoped that if this kind of voodoo could bring about untold wealth for a bunch of city traders, maybe our fortunes as weather forecaster could similarly go sky high. Sadly however, the modelling techniques proved to be ever so slightly flawed."

He went on, "Having said all that, Ma'am, the seasonal forecast from the Met Office is worth more than a horoscope. A lot of blame has to lie with the media who misinterpret the forecasts."

He concluded by stating: "If newspapers didn't take us so seriously in the first place and Home Counties barbecue buff's did not hang on our every word then we would not be in this mess anyway. The British people should stop talking about the weather so much and simply get a life... although that last comment would most definitely not apply to yourself... your most glorious and, if I may say, most serene Majesty."

Boris Johnson has caused offence again after he said that it was okay to drink and talk. It appears that he opened his mouth at a recent 'People's Question Time' that took place at Fairfield Hall Croydon. He had apparently had a couple of beers before the speech.

He said: "I have just one idea, if more people spoke their minds and fewer people drove cars you would not have to worry about the alcohol laws and I sincerely believe that. I have absolutely no prohibition about drinking a pint or two of beer and making a speech whereas I would not do that in a car."

Boris has offended a range of people but in particular those who hate listening to his drunken ramblings. Campaigners are saying that it is clear that he is not fit to speak after a 'couple of pints' and should actually keep his mouth shut or at least use an autocue to guide him to where he is going.

The glamour model and cookery star, Natasha Laudanum has informed the London newspaper the Evening Standard that she has run out of anything interesting to say. She told the Standard's 'Londoner' Diary that she is 'shit' out of ideas and that all she could reveal was that she recently bought twelve dresses for her summer holiday. This fascinating revelation was accompanied by a picture of the 'Bombshell' as she is now known in one of the dresses.

There has been a public outpouring of grief for the B list celebrity who ever since she started her relationship with publicist Charlie Satchmo has 'dumbed down' considerably. When she is not pouting over a steaming bowl of hot chocolate, she will invariably be found inanely discussing her wardrobe, assuming that this will somehow give her street cred.

The syndrome that is afflicting her generally goes by the acronym B.L.U.D.D (or Brainy Lass Undergoes Dumbing Down). It tends to afflict well educated female journalists who realise they can sell their souls for a pair of Manolo Blahniks. Many female journalists who should know better have been afflicted by the syndrome and it is feared that this might go some way towards explaining the fact that the reputation of women in journalism (feminism notwithstanding) is not a happy one.

Leader of the opposition David Cameron has been reprimanded for displaying lewd and outrageous behaviour during a 'light-hearted' interview on Absolute Radio. He was asked what he thought of the social networking website Twitter and responded that he'd "never f****** heard of it" and that social networking "is a pile of s*** anyway."

The remark was greeted with raucous laughter in the studio, with host Christian O'Connell saying: 'That's fantastic.' It appears however that this only served to embolden Mr Cameron, whereupon he continued, "And don't get me started on the general public who use these websites either. They're a bunch of complete and utter w******. They don't wash, they are vulgar and uneducated and probably think that the Eton Wall Game is some competition that 'brickies' f****** play."

"They should start teaching these little jerks Latin in primary school. Reading "De Bello Gallico" would knock a bit of sense into these blighters. What these pasty little oiks also need is a good bloody kicking. And preferably where the sun don't shine."

When the leader of the opposition was finally asked, "Mr. Cameron, do you still believe in 'hugging a hoodie'?" the Conservative leader responded by saying:

"No, I don't. Fuck 'em."

The military historian Antony Beevor has moaned about the high incidence of 'historical fiction' that appears on this year's Booker Prize shortlist. "The barrier between fact and fiction is eroding fast," he has written. He has coined two new words to highlight this trend - "histotainment" and "faction-creep."

He was referring specifically, it is thought, to the first known case of a monkey with a typewriter, that has managed to re-create Shakespeare's history play, Richard III. Some scholars have already started to refer to these history plays as "Histotragedy" or "Tragi-creep". But Beevor suggests that this 'monkey-me book' is a 'step too far' and he reckons that fiction is starting to twist history to its own 'neanderthal' ends.

The novel is written by a chimp with the pseudonym of Simian Wakespeare. In it he imagines life as a primate at the court of King Edward IV. This 'courtier' is regularly laughed at because of his 'gangly gait' and his tendency to 'knuckle walk'. But one day Simian 'loses it' and slaughters everyone in a bid to take over the Throne himself (this is a reference to a genre known as 'Planet of the Apes'.)

This all goes well until his trusted lieutenants, first Buckingham and then Stanley, turn against him. Stanley joins the side of Henry at the battle of Bonobo Field and Richard is soon unhorsed on the field at the climax of the battle. He utters the often-quoted line, "A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse."

Rumour has it that the horse in question is in the process of signing a three book deal with 'Random Horse' and hopes to be included in a  Bookie Prize Shortlist at some later date.

Historian, Antony Beevor commented: "History ain't what it used to be."

The glamour model Katie Price, aka Jordan has confirmed that will she stand for the seat of Luton South at the next election. The sitting MP, Margaret Moran who was criticised for claiming dry rot treatment at her Southampton home on expenses will not be standing for re-election.

Explaining why she was standing, Jordan claimed "I always 'ad a fondness for Lu'ton Airpor', and since my childhood I always 'oped that I might one day get the chance to become a Lu'on MP. In fact in me early modelin' days a lot of photographers used to say a me, 'You know what Katie, you ought become an MP, you'd be so good at giving something back to a communi'y.' And I fink they were righ'."

It has been revealed that a fondness amongst celebrities for the charms of Lu'on Airpor' has sparked a rush of famous people wanting to stand. Esther Rantzen has already confirmed that she is standing. Susan Boyle from 'Britain's got Tacky' is also considering standing. And in a shock announcement tonight it has been revealed that the entire girl band, 'Girls Aloud' will try to squeeze in on a 'joint ticket.'

When asked what he thought of the line-up, a local Luton South resident, Gary Tossley,  said, "Cor, that Jordan, I wouldn't mind taking a look at her manifesto."

The former Labour Parliamentary Secretary at the Cabinet Office, Tom Watson today appeared on BBC's Radio 4 to state that New Labour intends to bore people into submission at the next election by releasing its manifesto on Twitter. The news comes hot on the heels of the revelation that Whitehall officials are increasingly using Twitter to 'get their message across'.

Neil Williams who is head of 'corporate digital channels' at Lord Mandelson's Department of Business has already written that the government intends to expand and 'manage' its corporate presence on Twitter. Apparently departmental 'digital media teams' will discuss potential 'tweets' at the morning press cuttings meeting.

But this morning Mr. Watson announced that the government has decided to go one step further and release the entire manifesto on Twitter using 'text chat lingo'. It is universally acknowledged that literacy in the UK is at an all time low and that the only way to communicate big ideas such as 'means of production' (mEnz of production) is to Twitter them to the population. It is hoped that the ordinary Brit will have a long enough attention span to read the new 'sound-bite' or rather 'bite-sized' (TM) manifesto.

An example of a typical Whitehall 'Tweet' was offered on the Radio 4 programme, Today. It gives an indication of what the electorate thinks of the current government and it is intended that this kind of shorthand will eventually become the everyday means of communication (mEnz of communication) across government departments. The tweet is as follows:-

"d labour pRT of gr8 britain iz morally bankrupt & iz UslS @ runN d cuntrE."

Reading standards in Britain are so poor that English Heritage is rewriting its guides so that 10-year olds can understand them. This follows criticism that the guides are far too sophisticated and alienate adult visitors from more deprived backgrounds.

A spokesman gave an example of the kind of changes that would occur to its standard guide. The following text:

"The Duke of York was victorious at the First Battle of Saint Albans on 22 May 1455 at which Somerset was killed, but he was soon forced to back down and come to terms with the King."

Would be replaced by the new text as follows:

"The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand men, he marched them up to the top of the hill and he marched them down again."

The spokesman then went on, "We really feel that this might encourage those from lower socio-economic groups to benefit more from England's Heritage. In addition to this plan we are also considering knocking down some of England's more uninviting and inaccessible buildings and rebuilding them with lego to make them more appealing. We think that this could attract people in droves."

A member of one of the lower socio-economic groups who was asked to comment replied, "Why would I want to go an' see an English 'eritage whatever that is anyway? The kids and the missus are quite 'appy with Alton Towers, thank you very much."

The government has signalled that it intends to appoint a new 'Olympic Legover Tsar' to get more people to participate in 'horizontal exercise' and in order to 'whip up private sector interest'. The Olympic minister, Tessa Jowell (no friend of Silvio Berlusconi) is increasingly worried that its image as the government that got a million people 'up for it' by 2012 is being tarnished by repeated criticism of its strategy. It hopes to find a former 'Olympic athlete' or a 'high profile figure' who has experience of running a 'sporting body'.

The government was stung into action by the criticism of Liberal Democrat Olympic spokesman, Tom Brake, who said, "The government has bitten off more than it can chew." The CCPR chair, Brigid Simmonds then added, "The Olympics will have a long sunrise and a very short sunset. We don't want to wake up the 'morning after' only to realise that it all went not with a 'bang' but a whimper."

A spokeman for Ms. Jowell (who is definitely no friend of Silvio Berlusconi) said, "Initially we were thinking of appointing a 'Legged-Over Tsar' because we were worried that the taxpayer might feel legged-over by a government that had expanded the cost of the Olympics from its initial £2 billion to £9 billion over night. We knew we had some explaining to do for the fact that we had forgotten to add VAT... as you do... whoops!"

"But in the end the government decided that it wanted to portray a 'positive' image, one thing at least that New Labour can do really well! We thought that we would appoint this 'Legover Tsar' who will get people horny about 2012. And accordingly we have invited Signor Berlusconi to take up the post - assuming that he might just have some free time in the future."

(The owners of this blog would like to point out that there is not and has never been any acquaintanceship between 'Mrs. Mills' and Mr Berlusconi.)

A group of Britain's finest economists have this week been explaining to Her Majesty why they failed to predict the credit crunch. They are responding to a question raised by the Queen during a visit last November to the LSE, where she asked why the top academics failed to see the credit crunch coming.

Professors from London School of Economics and Queen Mary signed the letter and in it they admit that they failed to foresee the 'timing, extent and severity of the crisis and to head it off."

What happened was as follows: Economists, as Winston Churchill pointed out, are two handed creatures and unfortunately they use both hands: They are very comfortable saying, 'on the one hand, this might happen and on the other hand that might happen'. But they rarely are inclined to say that something definitely will happen - unless they are trying to sell an article to a newspaper or a thesis to a bunch of academics.

In the case of the credit bubble they were even less inclined to make negative (even if accurate) judgements as everyone was having such a hell of a party and they were loathe to be 'Cassandras.' In the letter to the Queen this is clearly what they must mean when they refer to a "failure of the collective imagination of many bright people."

It is important to remember that economists are people who extrapolate conclusions from hard data, and if the data is so damned hard that it does not yield any obvious predictions then what can these economists do? Make it up? Heaven forbid.

And whilst we might view any economist that is incapable of imagining one of the worst crashes in history to be as useful as a perforated condom, we should remember that they were not the only ones. They are joined by most of the developed world's governments, the world's top bankers, financiers, CEOs of leading multinationals, broadsheet columnists, academics and other assorted professionals and corporate bosses.

And we would not want Her Majesty the Queen to think that any of that lot were about as useful as perforated condoms...

Would we?

Structuralists and semiologists the world over are tonight mourning the death of the creator of Captain Pugwash, John Ryan. Ryan, who was the only Catholic cartoonist known to man, was widely acknowledged to be the pioneer of 'scissors and paste jobs'.

As a devout Catholic he contributed a cartoon to the Catholic Herald in the early 60s . The chief character was a scheming Cardinal Grotti who worshipped false idols and who was forever trying to reestablish the practice of 'indulgences'. But Ryan will undoubtedly be remembered for the somewhat more 'secular' Captain Horatio Pugwash, the cartoon that chronicled that more 'human' attribute, namely greed.

Philosopher Alain de Botton said of Pugwash, "Is Pugwash dead? Or is God dead? He affected all of our lives really. The series was a meditation on the human condition, depicting as it did two dimensional cardboard cut-outs engaged in the male dominated and perhaps not so innocent activity of 'piracy'. This kind of stuff is life changing, ground breaking, and I am soon going to be bringing out a book entitled, "Pugwash can change your life."

Literary novelist, Umberto Eco said, "People will forever want to be trying to uncover and strip bare the meanings of this 'Captain' who was made from these little pieces of trash that Signor Ryan swept up from his floor and could have easily thrown in the bin, or might have burnt frankly. The real question is whether the 'scissors and paste' nature of the 'Captain's' existence provides a simple 'clue' to delayering and perhaps slowly unpeeling (just like a philosopher might unpeel a very luscious Neopolitan lemon) the very essence of the character him/itself. Or perhaps, herself?"

French post-modernist, Henri deBarthes, said, "Zis Capitaine Poogwash, 'ee wus absolutement notheeng like the art as we know eet in the land of Astereeex. Poogwash, he show that thees things that we are calling 'cartoons' and that are seeemply notheeng more than cardboard constrooct, they moost behave semiologicalique like a pointless and very oonappetising plate of warmed up crap. There is here zee evidence that zee Gauleest Astereeex cartoon is superieure to the Angleterre cartoon and it prove, eet prove ab-sol-ute-ment zat zee French Cartoon, it can has real meaneeng, whereas zee Eeengleesh cartoon it can has not meaneeng."

It has been revealed that Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has shocked viewers by being 'really nice about Gordon Brown'. Clarkson had been forced to apologise to Gordon Brown back in February for calling him a "one-eyed Scottish idiot." But this week the presenter amazed viewers when he said that Gordon Brown was "an outstanding prime minister, possibly the best since Gladstone."

Clarkson went on to say, "If Gordon Brown were a car, he would be an old but worthy Mk 2 Jaguar. Yep, it breaks down rather a lot but it has form... and it has style... and anyone who owns one quickly gets used to it being in and out of the garage, and knows that one day very soon they will be forced to mothball it. But, here's the thing... it is a classic."

Clarkson was later forced by the BBC to retract his statement after disappointed Top Gear viewers complained that Clarkson was "clearly not himself." In his retraction, Clarkson, said, "I apologise unreservedly for my error of being nice about Gordon Brown. I compared him to a classic car when in fact what I meant to compare him to was 'an extension of a penis'. In fact I would go so far as to say that he is much, much closer to being a 'one eyed Scottish trouser snake'.

Harriet Harman today raised a few eyebrows today when she claimed today on Radio 4's World at One that Labour had lost the Norwich By-Election because of people's worries about swine flu.

Interviewed by the BBC's Shaun Ley, Ms. Harman said, "Yes, we are very disappointed by Labour's showing in the by-election, but it is clear that people were very worried about the outbreak of swine flu and are clearly punishing Labour for it."

She was pressed on the question of why the outbreak did not effect the standing of the Conservative party and responded, "It always tends to be the case that people blame the party of government for these outbreaks, even though we are actually in the process of eradicating swine flu for ever and ever."

Asked whether the Labour party deserved any of the blame for the shock result, by deselecting the sitting MP Ian Gibson, she responded, "We told him that he couldn't stand at the next election and the wretched man said, "You can't sack me, I resign."

"What a swine."

The government has set up a new hotline to handle concerns about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Ever since the credit market meltdown ended, the government has naturally been seeking new agendas to develop, new fears to work upon, new monsters to slay and new catastrophes from which it might 'save the world'.

The latest is the fear that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are beating a path to a neighbourhood near you and that they may destroy your habitat and subvert everything in which you ever thought that you had faith.

The government was in two minds as to whether it should set up a hotline or a 'Twitter' line. "We were thinking that we could encourage people to send 'Tweets' if they saw the horsemen," said the Prime Minister. We thought that they could say things like, "I'm at Bouji's, everyone... just saw horsemen. Awesome."

"But in the end we thought that we'd go for the old fashioned bollocks and set up a hotline so that people knew that we were doing something really important and so that they knew that we, the British government really, really cared."

"Hello, you have called the swine flu hotline. Due to the very heavy volume of calls all of our operators are currently busy. Please hold, or please ring back later, when you will probably be feeling a lot better anyway."

The Information commissioner is currently looking into allegations that a popular messaging service pretended that it was using state of the art technology when in actual fact it was using little men and women in a call centre in Mumbai.

The service transcribes voice messages providing the user with text version of the message and has become an invaluable business tool over recent years. However, the information commissioner is looking into allegations that instead of a machine performing the transcription, user details have been sent to third party call centres that performed the transcriptions. Apparently the transcripts in question were of very poor quality with words mis-spelt and names indecipherable.

The story came to light when a leading Sunday newspaper recently bugged a very senior political figure and published the correct transcript of the mobile phone message in its pages. It transpires that the same 'public figure' had previously received an inaccurate version of the message produced by the messaging service in question.

So what were the two versions of the same message that caused the controversy?

The correct newspaper version read: "Hi Gordon, I saw your idiotic YouTube recording where you wanted to be 'hip'. You know what I think? YouTube if you want to, but there is nowt like knocking on doors."

The incorrect voice messaging transcript read: "Hi Gorgeous, I saw your erotic YouTube recording and I want to see you strip. You know what I think? YouTube all you want to, and I'll tout my knockers and drawers."

A spokesman for 'Gordon' said that had he heard only the newspaper transcript in the first place, he would have sacked the lady in question immediately. But unfortunately he relied on the dodgy voice messaging transcript and thought that he'd give the 'lady' the benefit of the doubt.

"Hello caller, this is the government swine flu hotline. Please press one for hypochondria, two for blind panic, three for a 'bit of a sniffle' and four for 'it might just be a bad hangover, but it has the all the hallmarks of swine flu..."

Very nice tan - black man
Wife Veronica - testicle kicker
Earthquake slip - no camping trip
Mr Mills - pay lawyer's bills
Forza Italia - worn genitalia
Naomi Letizia - Off with her brassiere
Berlusconi - ruts like a pony

A number of MPs who were implicated in the parliamentary expenses scandal have appeared on Radio 4, guns blazing. The presenter Becky Milligan interviewed among others Andrew George, Denis McShane, Nadine Dorries and Ann Cryer who revealed to her the extent to which the expenses row had affected their lives. Most of the higher profile cases that included front bench home flippers and tax cheats were not however featured.

"It was terrible. I was treated like a common criminal," said one of the high-spending MPs. "I was booed and heckled just because I didn't pay any tax. They said that I was a crook. They said that I should be behind bars, just like people who steal money. But that would be mad. How could I help run the country and do all those good deeds for my constituents if I was behind bars? It would make me a worse, not a better person."

Another said, "They accused me of claiming for a mortgage that I'd forgotten I had. Just imagine the effect that that had on my family? It made them think that I was losing my marbles, that I had contracted Alzheimers or something. My little daughter crawled up to me in floods of tears and said to me, "Daddy? Are you going bonkers and will the men in white coats take you away?" I replied to her, "Probably darling, if this expenses scandal doesn't blow over."

A third said, "Just imagine what my family thought when people laughed at our house? We'd always thought that it looked rather like  Windsor Castle. But then some joker on the TV japed that it was more like Sunninghill Park. Imagine how the family reacted to being compared to the home counties nouveaux riches? We'll never live this down. We had spent so much money trying to look like 'old money'"

Finally one MP said, "They mocked my 'Goose Palace' for which I had paid an arm and a leg and had had especially shipped over from Schleswig-Holstein. It was 17th Century Baroque and based on a design by Joseph Furttenbach the Elder. After this scandal, the Geese stopped coming. I mean, its not surprising really is it? With all those reporters taking pictures of it, what goose would want to be seen dead in it? Now the poor geesey all have to go and squeeze into the ghastly municipal plastic monstrosity in the local park. Are you happy, Daily Telegraph for making these geese suffer so?"

It is thought that Gordon Brown will elevate to the House of Lords any one who is prepared to vote for him at the next election. Although this could bring about a large increase in the number of unelected peers, it is not considered large enough to pose any major problems.

"What we are suggesting," said the PM, "Is really quite revolutionary. This will give ordinary Labour voters the opportunity to shape their own futures in a way that mere democracy could never hope to do. Ordinary voters will for once be truly able, through the ballot box, to bring about real change."

"We are hopeful that natural Labour voters who have strayed from 'the fold' during the past few years will return in massive numbers. And what is more, this policy is very much in keeping with current Labour values and ethics. After all the country is governed right now by an unelected Prime Minister, an unelected deputy Prime Minister and by an administration packed with unelected peers."

It was about the beginning of July 2009, that I, among the rest of my neighbours, heard in ordinary discourse that the plague was spreading into new parishes. It was printed in the weekly bill of mortality in the usual manner that the total number who had perished from the swine plague did stand at 29. The people showed a great concern at this but the physicians told the people not to be alarmed, proclaiming that a paltry 45,000 should die of this malaise.

And the ordinary parishioners did ask, "What should we do if the dead-cart bellmen call upon us to bring out our dead? How might we know what truly is the order of the government? What is the name of the official that should guide us through these times? And when we chance upon that name of his, what shall he command that we do with our dead?"
And from the rough hewn fellows that are want to disrespect the dead in these matters, the answer came there one: "Burnham, mate...."

There is shock, outrage and disbelief after a Newsnight interview with ex Cabinet minister James Purnell, in which he suggested that think tanks such as 'Demos' should stop using old fashioned Greek words like 'Demos' and start using more recent terms like the Latin 'Plebis' or even the anglicised 'Plebs'.

The whole point of a 'think tank' he claims is to think up new ways of describing the political scene in a framework that people can find appealing. Why use Greek, when the more recent Latin might suffice? What could possibly be wrong about calling a think tank - Plebs?"

When pressed on the point and asked why think tanks did not use really, really modern words like 'The People', he replied: "Are you a fool? The phrase 'The People' is so, so last season. In fact it's not even last season, its the season before the last season before the last season before the season before that. What kind of a square are you? The 'people.'.? Don't make me laugh..."

The Health Secretary Andy Burnham has tonight admitted that he was forced to simulate pregnancy over the weekend as he attempted to empathise with women who were worried about swine flu. In an experiment forced upon him by Equalities Minister Harriet Harman, the Health Secretary was forced to undergo a simulated pregnancy. The aim of the experiment was for him to 'know what it must be like to be pregnant when there's all this swine flu going around.'

"It were quite a challenge," admitted the plucky Yorkshireman. "I know that there are all these health pregnancy issues related to swine flu right now, and I thought that I were sorting it in my own sweet way... But when Harriet comes along and says to you that she wants something and that she wants it now, thou dost not cross her."

This is the latest in a series of initiatives by the Equalities Minister to encourage male members of the cabinet to know what it is like to be so valuable to mankind and yet so under-appreciated. "I must be totally frank with you," she said firmly. "We are being very, very fair about all of this. We are doing exactly the same with women members of the cabinet as we are with the men. We are getting them to learn how to empathise as well. They are developing the arts of talking incessantly about football, getting very drunk, eating kebabs, spilling beer, getting into fights and finally vomiting whilst they are becoming amorous with their loved ones. Don't let anyone say that the Department of Equality isn't fair and reasonable."

Former No10 spin doctor Damien McBride today makes his first faltering steps down the road to rehabilitation. Three months after resigning as a special adviser he has been talking at length about the 'Smeargate' emails that he sent to Derek Draper, and that earned him the title among Lobby correspondents of 'McPoison'.

The emails containing slurs against prominent Conservatives sparked a storm that undermined Gordon Brown at a time when he was basking in the 'glory' of the G20. Brown chaired the summit and was widely held at this point in time to have 'saved the world' following the collapse of the investment banking system that he had so eagerly nurtured and championed for so long.

"What can I say?" asks McBride. "Gordon was absolutely bloody furious. He was so furious when he rang me that he couldn't speak - quite literally." The former spin doctor goes on, "It was at breakfast. The wife comes in and says 'there's that man on the phone again doing his heavy breathing.' She hands the receiver to me. 'Hello? Hello?' I says. 'Who is this?' But the fellow at the other end won't say anything. 'Gordon, is that you? Please say something Gordon. I know you're really, really cross with me, but please, please say something.' But still he doesn't speak. 'Gordon, I know that I have let you down. I know that you only ever hired me to spread goodness and light. I know you only ever wanted me to say nice things about people and to make people feel joyous and uplifted whenever they see those words, 'Gordon Brown'. And so they should, they should feel joyous after all the good work you've done, saving the world and suchlike...."

"But what can I say Gordon? What can I say? Oh, how I've let you down. How could I be such a fool to ignore those words of wisdom you gave me when you hired me: 'Be kind and generous and magnanimous to all people, even unto your enemies'. Follow my Christian message, you said, Gordon... Always turn the other cheek and never say things like 'The leader of the opposition has horns and his wife has a gambling problem.' You told me Gordon: 'If you haven't anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.' But did I take your advice? No, I didn't, fool that I am. And for that there is no punishment great enough. Please stick the boot into me Gordon, please beat me around Westminster Green until I bleed. I will wear sackcloth for my remaining years. No punishment is hard enough."

Mr. McBride was finally asked what he intended to do with his life now that he had been so disgraced, "Oh, well after I've published my memoirs, I suppose I'll return to front line politics... That is, after I've done my penance of course, and after Gordon's stopped being really, really angry with me... which he still is, of course."

The leader of the opposition, David Cameron has tonight had to deny that he once had his 'fag' slaughter and cook up a vegan boy whilst he was at Eton. The claim came today at a book launch for the autobiography of Zac St-John Johnson, who was allegedly Mr Cameron's fag (i.e. his school skivvy) during his early years at the elite Berkshire school.

A reporter overheard an emotional and enebriated Mr St-John Johnson reveal that he regularly used to cook other boys if Mr Cameron did not like the cut of their gib. "I came from a family of successful restauranteurs." said Mr. Johnson. "Mr. C. told that me that he would beat me black and blue until I rustled him up a 'Roti de Vegan, preceded by a platter of the boy's liver (Foie de Vegan). I seem to remember that the current leader of the opposition was very pleased with the food he received at the time and that he only beat me black and blue twice that evening as a reward.

A surprised Mr. Cameron tonight said, "Whilst it is true that we were poorly fed at Eton and that we regularly had to supplement our diets by whatever means possible, my taste for meat fed on a strict vegetarian regime is really only a recent one. Frankly, I was not aware back in 'them' days of the old adage: "You are what you've Eton."

Doctors in West London say that they have encountered the first case of 'Blog Flu'. In what is believed to the first case of its kind, the doctors are treating the symptoms of an illness that appears to make the infected party actually think that he (or she) is a blog.

"The patient is one of millions of ordinary 'bloggers' worldwide who have in recent years turned their attentions to the 'blogosphere' in the, some would say misguided, view that they have opinions or insights worth sharing with the outside world. It is believed that such people have merely been 'incubating' the virus."

"However in this case the 'blogger' appears to have gone one stage further and has taken his blog too much to heart. It seems that he cannot shake the urge to talk continually in 'blogspeak'. He always talks in the third person, even when addressing friends and family and takes a political line on everything from who is going to put the cat out to who will empty the bins to whose turn it is 'on top' in bed."

His girlfriend first noticed the problem when they were dining at 'Luigi's Restaurant' in Chiswick a week or so ago. "Over antipasti, he started going into detail about the candidates in the impending Norwich by-election and explained that the parliamentary contest is perceived to be a four-way fight between Labour, Tories, the Lib Dems and the Greens. As if this were not bad enough this 'briefing' continued through the next four hours until bedtime, when during love-making he was explaining to me that 'An ICM poll published today suggests that the Tories are set to overturn Labour's majority, taking 34% of the vote. This would overturn a 5459 majority won by the incumbent at the last election."

"I'm at my wits end!" she concluded. "Someone please help me."

That other 'Deputy Leader' of the Labour party, Harriet Harman, has this week waded in to the pressing and momentous debate surrounding the replacement of one of the judges of a ballroom dancing competition.

The Secretary of State for Gravitas and Consequence used parliamentary time on Thursday to say: "I think it's absolutely shocking that Arlene Philips is not going to be a judge on Strictly Come Dancing. And as equality minister, I am suspicious that there is age discrimination going on there."

Ex-Minister Hazel Blears responded: "Ooh, yes! Never a truer word has been spoken but can I also just add a little fret of my own, pet? It's about Corrie. Will the house agree with me that the writers of Corrie should find longer storylines for Eileen? She is a much loved and under-used character and its a disgrace that she doesn't have bigger ambitions such as wanting to go in to parliament. You can tell that it was men that wrote the script!!"

The Work and Pensions secretary, Yvette Cooper then stood up and cried, "How right you are, dear. But its actually Emmerdale that's working me into a tizzy. Is it right that the blond bombshell, Charity Tate is coming back to the Dales after she had an affair with Zoe's sister? Doesn't the house have something to say about all of this?"

At this point the house descended into a chaos as the women started nattering about the latest injustices against women on soap and daytime TV. The speaker John Bercow jumped up and shouted, "Order! Order!"

Outraged, the ex-Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith jumped up and shouted, "Typical! Bloody Men. That's all they want to do. They just want to shut us women up!"

Caroline Flint then leapt to her feet and addressed the speaker, "You're just as bad as Gordon, you are. You just think we're bloody window dressing, don't you. Bloody men!"

All of a sudden a man looking suspiciously like Benny Hill was seen running excitedly out of the chamber. He was followed by Gordon Brown, David Cameron and all the other horrible male MPs who trotted hysterically with their trousers down around their ankles. They were hotly pursued by Harriet, Hazel, Jacqui and all the other angry looking women of the house who were waving handbags and frying pans. They were all last seen running frantically down Whitehall in a long maniacal line that included lots of policemen with their trousers round their ankles as well.

The former Works and Pensions secretary, James Purnell, interviewed in today's Guardian, comments on the wisdom of Labour's educational policies. In particular he turns the spotlight on faith schools. He says, "We've been allergic about having any kind of debate about the fact that we are making lots of parents have to pretend to be religious at school."

However this issue gives us an insight into what has always been a far profounder problem with the New Labour 'brand': When is a thought crime not a thought crime? When it's a New Labour policy.

It appears that by making people 'sign up' to the New Labour 'article of faith' the government truly thought that it could create a new generation of middle class Christians - or at the very least it might create a new generation of middle class parents and middle class children who possessed something approximating a Christian conscience. In fact by forcing the middle classes to jump through hoops in order to get their children a decent education, all that New Labour created was a nation of tired, jaded, politician-hating cynics.

So... if none of the parents of any of the children at any of the faith schools in any part of the land actually DO God, there is one question that still remains?

Who does?

The World Hype Organisation and the Chief Medical Officer of England and Wales have confirmed that people are definitely going to die this year. In a shock revelation the W.H.O and Sir Liam Donaldson jointly confirmed today what most people have for a long time been too afraid to contemplate: People WILL die. And some of them will die for no other reason than that they have become ill.

"We are seeing the terrifying emergence of what we are calling Celebrity Mortality. We have observed that ordinary people can be panicked into a state of morbid fear by high profile reports of a death. This of course occured last month with the death of Michael Jackson. No one liked the guy much but his death stirred the Guardian and the BBC into round the clock coverage. AND it is also true that if the news media publicise the death even of an unknown but imbue that death with enough gravity, it will panic the masses.

"Let there be no doubt about it," said a government minister. "People ARE going to DIE, and something MUST be done about it." He then went on, "But since nothing really can be done about it, we realise that it is much better simply to scare the living daylights out of people and hope that they will look to the government for guidance... Tamiflu anyone?"

Gordon Brown and The 'Green Man', Ed Windmilliband, yesterday outlined the latest in a range of ambitious new plans for reducing carbon emissions over the coming decades. The government has approved the building of four new eco-towns that will provide 10,000 homes in total and which it believes will showcase green living in the UK. The towns will include the latest in energy efficiency with electric car charging points and new cycle routes.

"Rather cleverly," said Mr Pigswilliband, "These towns will be powered by lots and lots of large windmills that will be constructed upon the bits of English countryside not yet fully utilised. These plans will drag the English Lake District kicking and screaming into the 21st Century. "

"New Labour's plans to commoditise this rather quaint but passé part of England's heritage will make the 'New Towns' such as Milton Keynes seem like Prince Charles' Poundbury... or did I mean will make Poundbury like Milton Keynes? Not that it really matters."

It appears that there are even plans to enhance the metropolitan feel of the new towns by augmenting and enhancing any surrounding farmland that still survives. "We have decided to commission a set of crop circles by the 'cockney' artist, Bansky. We are convinced that the local farmers will be delighted to have the opportunity to host such a distinguished artist on their humble and, may I say, insignificant farmland."

An enthusiastic Mr Brown said, "Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, we are very confident that these new developments will strategically and effectively enhance the gainful desecration of the British countryside. They will leave incontrovertible and lasting evidence that New Labour really does care about the environment."

Prime Minister Gordon Brown today appeared before a select committee in Parliament to explain how redistribution of wealth operated under New Labour.

"Once upon a time it was assumed, wrongly in my view, that wealth should be redistributed from the rich to the poor, from the fortunate to the needy. After a series of exhaustive focus groups conducted during the 1990s we concluded that this was wrong however. What our surveys, our research was telling us was that redistribution should not be from the rich to the poor, but from anyone with any money whatsoever to anyone that New Labour might pretend to care for. We realised that the only money that should actually be redistributed from the rich people should go solely to New Labour - precisely so that it could spread the gospel of wealth redistribution. And speaking as a Christian, I can tell you that it is the gospel of caring that counts, not the petty fine print of actually caring for the poor, for the sick, for the vulnerable."

"We realised that the only way in which we could persuade people to take 'caring for the poor' seriously was by marketing the concept, by making it clear that we, New Labour, were the people who cared. We did this by courting celebrities who themselves wanted to enhance their own images and who wanted to appear generous. We did this by asking all of the major investment banks and multinational corporations to support our initiatives and to bask in the very sunlight of 'charitable status'. We did this precisely so that everyone could know that NEW LABOUR REALLY CARED."

"And we felt intensely relaxed about bankers and footballers and celebrities and high profile public figures being paid filthy amounts of money as long as they were part of this New Labour project, a project that not only cared, but was seen to be caring... A New Labour project that also wanted itself to share in this redistribution of wealth through the most honourable and time honoured system of expenses that were paid to our most esteemed Parliamentarians."

The PM concluded by stating, "There is nothing wrong with expenses, there is nothing wrong with bonuses if they motivate people. Bonuses are the right kind of wealth redistribution. They are redistribution from the 10p taxpayer to the government so that the government can bail out our esteemed investment banks. They are redistribution that allows banks to pay out bonuses once more to its much, if I may say, maligned employees, so that we, the government and the bankers of the United Kingdom can get this economy moving again. And I say unto you that bonuses are the very endoskeleton of our economic system, they prop up this nation of ours." As the PM, a tear in his eye, walked out of the select committee he sang quietly, solemnly to himself: "Sir Fred's bone's connected to the McKillop bonus, the McKillop bone's connected to the Myners bonus, the Myners bone's connected to the PM bone, the PM bone's connected to the Mandy bone, the Mandy boner's connected to the..."

The Metropolitan Police has just announced that despite a fall in overall crime and some of the most serious violent offences, burglaries have risen.

The figures make shocking reading. Millions of households throughout the land have apparently been fleeced over the past year and it is alleged that the average loss per household is around three thousand pounds. A respected analyst warned there could be a bill of £50,000 for every UK household by 2014.

A Mr Darling and a Mr Brown are currently thought to be helping police with their enquiries. They are believed to be the 'fence' for a multi billion pound 'grab' that has brought households in the UK to their knees. There is no sign that the 'appropriation' is being brought under control, as one 'firm' recently announced that it had just distributed the proceeds of its $6.5 Billion plunder in the form of 'bonuses'.

The Prime Minister today claimed that he was 'intensely relaxed about Lord Mandelson being filthy.' It is claimed that his Lordship, who was 'elevated to the upper chamber' last year has developed an unhealthy obsession with yachts, watches, property, yachts and other grubby 'possessions' such as power.

But in an interview today the PM said of Lord Mandelson - who is also viewed as a future EU President - "Everyone needs a mandrel." When asked to elaborate on this, Mr. Brown said, "A mandrel, a tradesman's mandrel. Some people need a 'Willie', like Margaret Thatcher did. But I believe that everyone needs a mandrel... And one thing we know: Clearly better in than out." The reporter took this to refer to Lord Mandelson being inside the Cabinet, but the point was not actually clarified.

Tonight however it was revealed that the word 'yacht' is often used as a euphemism for
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A group of 'Dragons' tonight made television history when they rejected the opportunity to purchase the BBC show, 'The Dragons Den'.

The five Dragons were each offered a stake in the programme by the broadcaster 'Mr Evan Davis', but rejected the offer, to quote Peter Jones, "On account of the fact that the programme is total bullshit."

Mr Jones went on to say, "Why would anyone trust the intentions of a bunch of smug, self-serving, media-obsessed tossers who have so much money that the only thing left to invest in is their TV image."

"These guys would sell their grandmothers if it looked cool." said James Khan. "Then they would use the money they had made to invest in someone else's grandmother, just in order to show how decent they are."

"But," added Deborah Meaden, "they would then renegotiate the deal the next day, if they thought that they might be able to squeeze a bit more cash out of it. And the licence fee paying viewers would be none the wiser!"

The Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced that he will elevate an entire hedge fund to the House of Lords so that it can join the cabinet. The eight man hedge fund is based in Mayfair, a short helicopter ride from Parliament. The traders will take on a range of functions within Treasury, Energy and Work and Pensions, chief of which will be the management of the UK's financial assets and the operation of a structured Gilts market.

"The economy is moving into uncharted territory," said the Prime Minister, "and so the cabinet must move with it. We have hired a hedge fund of all the talents, all of whom have given their word not to jump ship for at least a couple of weeks, thereby justifying their lifetime elevation to the Lords. It is clear from the recent success of Goldman Sachs in achieving bumper profits that only an experienced bond desk can trade us out of the economic situation in which we find ourselves."

When asked whether he had undergone a change of heart, in view of his earlier condemnation of unacceptable bonuses, the PM was forthright in his response: "I should always like to quote John Maynard Keynes on these occasions: 'When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, sir?' It is clear that the economic climate has changed significantly in the past few months. If bankers are receiving seven figure bonuses then it is obvious that the economy is past the worst. We are moving on to the next great 'Act' in the New Labour narrative!"

When asked whether the hedge fund traders would be asked to give up their second jobs, the PM replied: "No, the Cabinet posts will be their second jobs."

No denying, it's tough times for newspapers right now. And some of them are facing the dilemma of whether they take a positive or a negative stance on the issue of bonuses in the city.

For some years prior to the 2007 credit crunch they had been tireless in their support for multi-million dollar end of year bonuses, claiming that this was the price of attracting the brightest and the best to London. It was claimed that any attempt to regulate would naturally create a brain drain, as well as deprive the wider economy of the drickle down effect of the bankers' ample spending.

Post 2007, the same papers were outraged at how irresponsible banks had been in paying these outlandish bonuses, based as they were on high risk strategies that subsequently brought the economy to its knees. Phrases such as 'casino capitalism' were common on the pages of all the papers - liberal and conservative.

Now the climate is changing once again, and no one wants to read the market wrong. "Christ!" said one financial columnist to me, off the record of course, "If the bonus-bearing bankers are back and they are here to stay, none of us lot want to be on the wrong side of them. One of the best weekends I ever had was on the yacht of a certain head of credit derivatives from one of the top US banks. If these guys are back with a vengeance, then, hey, it's not our job to judge them. Right?"

Climate change secretary, Ed Miliband, claimed yesterday that despite his department's emissions targets, the government fully intends to preserve affordable air travel for the masses.

"If you had 80% carbon dioxide emissions across the board, as some people have called for in aviation, you would go back to the 1974 levels of flying. I don't want a situation  where only rich people can afford to fly."

In response to Mr Miliband's promise of cheap air travel for the masses, a spokesman for the 'masses' said, "Of course, he's right, you know. With a cabinet like the one we currently have running the country, why should it only be the tax-exile rich who can afford to fly away from this God forsaken land?"

There is worldwide despair tonight as it is announced that NASA has abandoned its fifth shuttle launch.

Crowds are rioting, ordinary people are up in arms... from Somalia to Seoul, from Tokyo to Tonga, from Honolulu to Harrogate. People feel abandoned, hurt, betrayed. They see all their hopes, their dreams, their goals going up in smoke before their very eyes. What is their future now?

It has been alleged that thousands of Star Trek fans have just committed mass suicide in a cave in California upon hearing the news. There are also reports of the random killing of tribesmen in the Essex countryside, and strange prodigies have been seen on Hampstead Heath. Apparitions with their hair ablaze were seen running hysterically around Westminster Green and the specters of Bill Gates, Sergey Brin and James Murdoch were seen tripping, hand in hand, in fear and anguish through Yellowstone Park.

Gordon Brown was today forced to deny that he is twenty third out of twenty three in the cabinet 'pecking order'. A former Labour Foreign Secretary has suggested that it was unacceptable for a Prime Minister to be so low down.

A number of Westminster commentators have noticed that the PM has been keeping a much lower profile of late, allowing senior ministers such as Lord Mandelson to take centre stage. This has often led to the suggestion that he is not really in control of the government.

"It is important to realise," said the PM, "that just because I am a discredited Chancellor and an unpopular and unelected Prime Minister and just because I am propped up by an unelected deputy and have elevated more people to the Lords (in order to fill my cabinet) than any other PM, and just because a large number of Labour MPs want me to go, and just because I mishandled the expenses scandal, the Lisbon treaty, the 10p tax and public sector borrowing... just because of all those things... it does not mean that I'm low down the pecking order."

The US investment bank Morgan Stanley caused outrage today when it published a research note written by a senior citizen suggesting that Twitter is rarely used by "people over the age of one hundred".

The head of the bank's European Media team decided that "the old fellow knew what he was talking about  - for once." He then went on to claim that the old man's research note was "one of the clearest and most thought-provoking insights we have seen – so we published it"

The geriatric, a Mr. Murdoch, who is a veteran of Arpanet, the internet's predecessor, claimed, "Twitter is useless. It is a moronic and monosyllabic means of communicating, and anyway, I am much, much too old to use a keyboard anymore. My fingers are awfully stiff even when I put the ointment on them. Furthermore, all my friends are dead, so I have no-one to tweet, but even if I did, I wouldn't tweet, so there. When my grandchildren ring me up and ask me whether I have seen their latest tweets, I always tell them that I did not know what these silly 'tweets' were that they were sending me, and so I probably threw them all in the bin... assuming, that is, that I actually remember whatever question it is that they have asked me in the first place. Which I probably don't."

Research shows that the number of teenagers illegally sharing music has fallen dramatically in the past year. Apparently less than a third of teenagers are illegally downloading music.

A record industry spokesman said, "We are delighted. These figures challenge the idea that illegal filesharing will continue to grow."

What appears to have happened is that the record industry has cunningly bored audiences into submission. What it does is it takes on untalented teenagers who cannot sing but are easy on the eye, turns them into a clones of previous teenage pop stars who also cannot sing but have sold records, then it produces a formulaic soundtrack that sounds suspiciously like something that you might have heard before.

The spokesman continued, "The audience eventually gets bored with this rehash of something that was pretty vacuous in the first place and, hey presto people stop illegal downloading.... Wicked!"

A famous philosopher has told newspapers that he is having trouble deciding which famous philosopher will help him get both mad and even.

The philosopher went 'ballistic' when a reviewer in New York panned his latest book, 'Proust Won't Make You Go Blind', calling it self-serving, pseudo-intellectual garbage.

"I can get no satisfaction from either Nietzsche or Schopenhauer. I'm thinking of calling time on philosophy as a way of dealing with life. I am now thinking, either I should punch the guys lights out or just sit at home simmering and sticking pins in a wax effigy of him."

'Friends' of the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown have let it be known that he is very, very angry about spoofs appearing in certain satirical publications that suggest that he is a bit like Joseph Stalin.

"These satirists are missing the point," the 'friends' said. "The Prime Minister's agenda is far closer to Deng Xiaoping than Joe Stalin. Gordon wants people to be reminded that he is, of course, a moderniser."

Police have cleared up the confusion over whether they forgot or they remembered to tell members of the government that they were being bugged by investigators working for the News of the World.

It initially appeared that they had forgotten to mention the bugging incidents to John Prescott and others in the government. But now it appears that what actually happened was they forgot to mention what it was that they remembered to tell members of the government, even though they did actually remember to mention it.

Said a leading policeman, "We put our best men on the case and pursued every possible line of enquiry. However these cases are complicated. In our job, there is a requirement both to report what we have uncovered and then to remember to report that we have actually reported it. As everybody knows, there will clearly sometimes be things that we report that we have reported. Then there are things that we report that we have not reported. And finally there are also things that we do not report that we have not reported."

"This issue of forgetting to tell ministers about the bugging incidents was exactly that. I hope this clears matters up."

Former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith gives an interview to the Guardian today where she announces that she hates pornography. "Let there be no doubt about this one," she proclaims, "As a feminist - a committed feminist at that - I really, really hate it. And I make absolutely NO apologies for saying that either. No apologies whatsoever. I totally and utterly detest PORNOGRAPHIC material of any kind. I loathe, loathe, loathe it. It is appalling, unacceptable and very, very demeaning to all women, not just the women who take their clothes off I can tell you. I even feel demeaned, sitting here right now. Totally demeaned... Because as I say I just - cannot - stand it. And did I mention that AS A FEMINIST I cannot stand it? I hope I did because, let me be honest, I CANNOT STAND IT precisely because I am a feminist! Do, I make myself clear? Well I hope I have made myself clear, because we FEMINISTS have to make ourselves clear that's one thing for sure. WE FEM-IN-ISTS just cannot abide it, this horrid pornography. Simple as that! And yes, Simon, you can most definitely quote me on that. I am really quite happy to be quoted on that, quite unequivocally.

When asked about her husband's involvement in the 'procurement of pornographically orientated cinematic material', she responded, "Well, let me be honest once again, brutally honest... when I heard about my husband's purchase of pornographically orientated material, as you so elegantly put it, Simon, I was not a little displeased. I have to be totally frank with you about that... I was not a little displeased. And what can I say, Simon... Men, eh? That's what this is all about... MEN. As if it is not bad enough that these men have enslaved us feminists for millions of years, they then go and purchase pornographically orientated material, and not only that, but they also put it on my expenses to boot. Sorry let me correct myself: I am not saying that all men have put pornographic films on my expenses. Oh no. Just the one: My husband. Would you believe it? MY husband... It's him what done it, if you catch my drift. And that's all there is to say about that one really, I think... Except just to reinforce the fact that my husband is a man and - I might add - a not exactly feministically disposed man at that! You see what we working mum's have to put up with? Men and their grotty little porn films. It is brutally brutally unfair and unjust!

When asked exactly why the said cinematic material ended up on her expenses, she answered, "Well, I think that I have to be totally straight with you Simon. Totally straight... Because what else could I be, other than totally straight....Well, anyway, you know what men are like..?  Always asking you irritating little questions when you're at your most busiest. You know, they never see that you are trying to juggle washing up and emptying the washing machine at the same time as going through the dispatch boxes and discussing issues of state with the PM... which I am almost certain is definitely exactly what I was doing at the time... The time, that very time when he, my silly little non-feministic husband, popped that very innocent sounding question: "Love, can I put 'Big Ben comes to Sexminster' on expenses?" And what would you expect me to say then? "Mr. Smith, can you not see that I am trying to do four things at once?" is how I no doubt responded. And I probably responded thus both firmly and assertively, as is my want... And he then no doubt gave me one of those hurt little looks that men always give you in such circumstances. And I, fool that I am, most probably felt guilty - can you believe it? - felt guilty about being the firm, assertive - but of course fair - woman that I am - that you have to be nowadays... not you personally Simon, I'm not saying that you personally have to be an assertive woman although I would totally understand it if you wanted to be! But let's face it I do, I have to be an assertive woman... So anyway as I was saying, his silly little hurt look almost certainly made me forget what the question was in the first place, such was the level of my pity for this wretched male, that, forgetting said question - what was it? See, I even forgot it? - forgetting the question, I almost certainly, in fact I definitely definitely certainly responded by saying to my hurt little husband (of many years I'll have you know!), "Yeah... go on love..."

It is alleged that the PM's wife, Sarah Brown has had an audience with the Pope. Nobody knows why she would do such a thing, but some say that an 'audience with the Pope' confers some form of moral or spiritual street-cred nowadays.
Elsewhere, the PM's wife has revealed that she won't eat veal. No one knows quite why she would do such a thing, but she has been overheard saying that she prefers her meat 'Brown', like her men.

So which public figure will be the first to bite the hand that has fed them so well for so long?

"Hello caller, please press one for members of the royal family, two for Members of Parliament, three for footballers, and four for stars of reality TV..."

Reports are just coming in that a hack has hacked herself. It appears that the 'hack' who asked to remain nameless, wanted to get the 'inside track' on herself and hired a private detective to investigate her. Off the record the hack said, "I realise that I was foolish. I wanted to know 'who I was'. I now accept that I should have talked to a therapist."

In a separate development, the Guardian newspaper has admitted that it is guilty of 'brain-tapping'. The newspaper recently generated excessive coverage of the death of a famous pop star. It is alleged that it did this specifically in order to tap into the brains of a mawkish readership...

...Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive...

Why are we all getting worked up about the News of the World? Because the politicians want a piece of Murdoch. The old fellow is getting on a bit, and will soon be handing more of his empire on to the next generation. So... what better time could there be for politicians to start asserting their authority... a period of transition. Grab the kids before its too late and let's make them our family.

One question for those shrinks out there: does Rupert know what a Freudian slip is?

Does anybody?

And does anybody understand why we put so much faith in technology?

If it were my phone, I'd be just a little peeved that it was that easily hacked into...

Transcript 1: "Don, just because I'm your 'humble' secretary, it doesn't give you the right to throw up the Triple Chocolate Black Forest Gateau that I so lovingly made you. Would you do that with your wife's cakes? I bet you wouldn't. And when am I going to see you for some 'ministerial duties?' Can't you put aside those wretched dispatch boxes for one evening?"

Transcript 2: "Hi Maurice, I'm not surprised your Missus suspects you after what you told me. You are such a buffoon. What on earth possessed you to shout out 'Betsy' when you were making love to her the other day? And of course she's going to be suspicious if you start asking her to try different positions after all these years? How long have you been married?

Transcript 3: "Hello Nessa. Sorry I won't be able to make it back this weekend. My 'Italian friend' has a bit of a 'proposition'. He's prepared to pay off our mortgage if I give him an alibi. Apparently I'm to tell the investigators we were eating meatballs at Luigi's off Ponte Vecchio. Sounds like an 'offer I can't refuse'!"

Transcript 4: "Yeah,'ello, Mr Romford, I'm Cindy Nubbins. You might've seen me on the reality show "Don't Bother". I got some information that you might find really interessing. I slep' with that footballer Kevin Croopy from Liverpool City. I'm prepared to spill the bins. But I need an 'undred kay minimum though."

The PM got in a muddle today when he tried to 'tweet' about the failure to agree a global warming target at L'Aquila. Thinking it would be clever to use the suffix gate - first used in Watergate - he tried G8gate... before he then decided that it should clearly be G8G8... then he changed it to GateG8, then he gave up and asked his wife to send it instead.

It has shockingly been revealed today that an Australian gentleman who normally pays famous people lots of money, has paid someone else lots of money for information about those selfsame famous people.

What normally happens is that the Australian gentleman pays celebs and other public figures lots and lots of money for information about themselves, or, more often than not, for sensitive personal information about others - be they former lovers or one night stands. In the 'trade' this is known as 'kiss and tell'.

What appears, quite outrageously, to have happened in this case is that he paid a 'middleman' to tap into the mobile phones of those celebs and public figures and obtained all sorts of personal detail without paying them. A 'giant' of reality television who asked to remain nameless said, "It's flippin' disgusting. I could have made hundreds of thousands of pounds selling my night one stand with the footballer, **name deleted** to the press. But they come along and trespass on my privacy and get it for free.

A famous 'cabinet' minister said, "I find it reprehensible that this Australian gentleman revealed details about my expenses claim for a 17th Century 'goose lodge' when I fully intended to release the information by a series of 'informal leaks'.

An anonymous member of the Royal Family said, "Doesn't this Australian gentleman know? There is a protocol for releasing sensitive information into the public domain. And to the best of my knowledge, mobile phones taps isn't one of them! What is the point of paying hundreds of thousands of pounds to PRs to 'massage the news' if some fellow can just come along and take the data with impunity. Anyone would think that this Australian gentleman does not like the Monarchy!"

Another 'member' of the government said, "Who does he think he is anyway, tapping into people's phones like that? The bloody Home Office? Doesn't he realise that snooping on people's private data is our job?"

A high profile Public Relations expert who was himself bugged by the Australian gentleman summed up the mood of everybody involved in the case:-
"If Mandy Nipples can't get an honest 100K by baring all about her saucy night with Gary Bonewood, then what's the world coming to?"

The Pope tonight apologised on behalf of the Catholic Church for 'lighting the touchpaper that was to become the Reformation'.

In a direct appeal to the British Monarchy he said that he accepted that Rome should not have meddled in Henry VIII's love life, and that it was perfectly okay for a leader, Catholic or otherwise, to marry or divorce whomsoever he wished.

The Catholic church claims that it has moved with the times and no longer has the need to comment on the sex lives of European leaders, even those of Catholic extraction.

He finished his appeal to the British Monarchy by saying that, in view of his leniency in respect of Henry VIII, Signor Berlusconi - and any one else who might want to avoid any kind of judgement at any time in the future - "was there any chance that we might have our Monasteries back?"

The Chancellor Alistair Darling has caused a storm after suggesting that Herr Wilhelm Cuno, the Chancellor who generated the Weimar hyperinflation of the 1920s knew 'how to get things done'. It had been reported that Chancellor Darling was impressed at the speed at which Chancellor Cuno had printed money and generated hyperinflation under conditions not unlike those today.

Elsewhere it has been suggested that Pope Benedict has praised Alfonso Borgia for the way in which he 'got things done'. It is suggested that the Pope is impressed by the speed at which this diplomat from Aragon became Pope in the fifteenth century and became so influential during the Renaissance. "There is no doubt, " said a spokeman for the Pope, "That the new political and financial world order that the Pope is promulgating today would have been easily achievable under the Borgias."

And in a twist to this story, The Prime Minister of Italy, currently under fire for not getting things that were promised at the G8 done, suggested today that he admired the eighteenth century Venetian womanizer, Giacomo Casanova, for the way in which he 'got things done.' A spokesman for Signor Berlusconi later indicated that the Premier was referring to Casanova's personal accomplishments rather than public or international achievements.

Researchers at Newcastle University claim to have made a remarkable breakthrough in stem cell technology. For the first time they have been able to produce a fully operational scientist from a human embryonic stem cell.

This is a critical development at a time when the Government is seeking to cut funding in a range of academic disciplines. One of the researchers involved said, "At a stroke, the Government would be able to slash the funding of science in schools and Universities, as it would be possible to create complete and fully functioning scientists from single stem cells.

Apparently there is yet further excitement over the fact that it might be possible to determine the discipline and the quality of the research that the scientists will undertake in later life, thus making it conceivable to award these scientists the Nobel Prize before they're are even born.

With a large grin on his face, one specialist in physiology and reproduction commented, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for man-glue."

A number of the city's 'big swinging dicks' have got the horn upon hearing that 'boners are back'. Traders have been seen running around Threadneedle Street with twenty pound notes stapled to their 'johnsons' shouting, "Do you want some.?"

The Mayor, Boris 'Johnson' said, "I can understand their excitement but I know for a fact that it is very painful when    ***THIS BIT HAS BEEN MODERATED***

The Chancellor, Alistair Darling said, "I can understand their excitement but 'growth' won't return until they  ***THIS BIT HAS BEEN MODERATED***

Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone has denied saying that "Hitler knew how to get things done." He claims that he was misheard and what he actually said was, "Hitler would have loved Formula One."

"It is obvious that the Fuhrer would have loved the Grand Prix. Imagine how delighted he would have been to know that the head of the governing body was called 'Mosley'. Adolf adored his father, Sir Oswald... And just think what he could have done with those high performance engines. He could have 'Blitzkrieg'd' his way to Vladivostok before Stalin could say 'Uncle Joe'. 'Vorsprung durch Technik,' as they might have said back in the Fatherland."

Asked whether he had a 'small man complex', he replied, "No, I'm bigger than Hitler... But can you now stop asking me so many questions. Vee ask zee qvestions!"

When pressed on whether he felt positive about this weekend's German Grand Prix, Mr Ecclestone said later, "I'll try not to mention the war, but I do rather feel that tomorrow belongs to me."

Ex Pentagon chief, Robert McNamara has died aged 93. Mac was primarily associated with exporting his 'brand' to Cuba and South East Asia. Using his marketing expertise, gained from running Ford, he expanded his role as Defence Secretary and 'went global'.

The brand however did not appeal to either Cuban or Asian palates, comprised as it was of 'flame-grilled' meat and a lot of 'white flour' wrapped in somewhat uninspiring packaging.

Mac later regretted his role in the Vietnam War, describing the war as "terribly wrong" owing to a combination of the anti-communist climate of the times, mistaken assumptions of foreign policy and military misjudgements

"It was clear that they didn't want this fluffy processed 'white flour' offering, but instead preferred 'Nam bread'. Whilst we just viewed this war as a case of exporting our 'merchandise' they viewed it as case of avoiding starvation."

The media tycoon Richard Desmond today starts a battle against investigative biographer, Tom Bower over allegations he made in his bio of Desmond, provisionally entitled Rough Trader.

Bower is a biographer who targets 'heavy hitters' and has written bios on Branson, Maxwell, Conrad Black, Al Fayed, Geoff Robinson and Gordon Brown.

Bower apparently has no plans to write a bio on Rupert Murdoch. This has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that the last Bower bio was published by Harper Collins, part of Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation.

Mayor Boris Johnson denied today that, in a bid to save taxpayers 'bucket loads of cash', he is going to move the entire London Assembly to Anthony Gormley's fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square.

Climbing on top of the selfsame plinth to make his denial, Mayor Johnson said, "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. I come here to bury cash, not to praise it."

Mr Johnson apparently discovered that there was little enough room for him on the plinth let alone other 'members' of the Assembly. However in another money saving exercise he is considering leasing out the London Assembly building to Anthony Gormley for one of his spectacular new installations called the 'Glass Bollock'.

Senior Labour and Conservative MPs have simultaneously been forced to retract their well considered cases against the much maligned 'quango'

In a televised debate the ministers and shadow ministers argued that quangos were outdated because to quote Labour, "it was a Latin word that nobody uses any more", whilst the Conservative claimed "its all well and good learning Greek at Eton, but the modern Brit has enough trouble with English, let alone the language of Fifth Century Athens." Spokesmen for both parties later claimed that their respective MPs were probably joking and that they all knew that the word clearly must be some form of old English.

The head of the quango that supervises quangos claimed today "Just because something's outdated, it does not mean that it's wrong. Whatever next? They'll try reforming Parliament."

It is alleged today that the new head of MI6, Sir John Sawers, forgot to tell his wife that he was getting a new job. In a shock revelation today, it appears that Lady Sawers thought that he was 'probably leaving his job as UN ambassador to set up his own business.'

"Sir J. had for a long time hinted that he wanted an allottment," said Lady Sawers. "And I knew that he had an interest in the green economy. So I thought that it was perfectly ok to go on Twitter and discuss the colour of his 'Speedos'."

"He has been somewhat furtive of late, but then, I simply thought that he wanted to keep the 'new allottment' a secret. In fact I was looking forward to the first crop of vine ripened tomatoes that I assumed he was growing for me as a birthday present."

Sir John denied that Twitter messages such as "Sir J will look great in his Speedos when he is pruning the plums" in any way undermined his position as new head of the 'Agency'.

Question: How many PRs does it take to change a lightbulb?        

Answer: None, a PR would give the lightbulb a makeover

Apparently Rupert Grint has swine flu. And there has been a brisk trade in jokes today about people on broomsticks queueing up for their tamiflu. But really? Can pigs fly? Do they do it on broomsticks? And is it justifiable to concoct a story about swine flu hitting Hogwarts... just so that a bunch of comedians can think of every pun possible (relating to the word Hog)?

This is not so much a case of swine flu, but rather spin flu. (sorry about the weak pun)

ps, does JK Rowling realise that Wikipedia has an 'entry' about 'Harry Potter' and it isn't paying her any royalties?

A storm has been whipped up by two senior members of the cabinet, Ben Bradshaw and Chris Bryant, after they accused the Tories of 'not coming out of the closet'.

The ministers suggested that despite suggestions to the contrary, many conservatives are still 'in the closet about their orientation towards sexual orientation.'

When asked whether they would actually like the Tories to come out of the closet, the Labour ministers responded resolutely, "Of course not. We are the only gays in the Westminster Village."

Further signs of optimism about the economy are apparent today as the Financial Times shows its continuing committment to the 'How to Spend it' magazine.

The publication which emerged during the boom years, and which is famous for its advertisments for eighteen thousand pound watches and Sunseeker yachts clearly proves that the good times are back.

A spokesman for the FT said today, "This is not only about the rich and the super-rich. There is mounting evidence that the middle classes, the merely 'comfortably-off', pick the magazine up with relish, suggesting that they too share in this optimism and goodwill."

The eyes of the nation, of a packed centre court were once again fixed on the Wimbledon semi-final yesterday despite the implicit assumption that the last great British hope would crash out at some point.

In a ritual that is repeated every year, the buzz about the 'reaching the final' was inevitably extinguished after four nail-biting sets.

A Wimbledon official said: "If you asked any one of these people before the match whether they might be in denial, they would look blankly at you. But as they stream out of centre court, they mutter - 'I just knew it was too good to be true'.

... Even though bonus season is December onwards....

Bit premature to be announcing that bonuses are back.

Bonuses paid in July? Or are these all somebody's projections?

The strength of the Court of Appeal was dramatically increased today after a Court of Appeal ruling which could affect hundreds of people who are wealthy enough to afford top legal advice.

Heiress Katrin Radmacher today hailed an Appeal Court ruling that a prenuptial deal protecting her £100 million fortune should be honoured. The judges stripped her former husband Nicolas Granatino of a £6M award made in the High Court last Year.

A legal expert said, "This is a day that will go down in legal history. Never again will such injustices be allowed against those that are willing and able to pay for the best legal advice available."

An actress with a famous pussy has sadly passed away. Mollie Sugden, whom lovers of sitcom will always associate with the immortal line - "Leave my pussy alone Captain Peacock" - died yesterday at the age of 86.

The playwright Harold Pinter had said of her famous line, "Of course the line was gut wrenchingly pertinent. It summed up the human condition, the whole fucked-up-ness of the shop worker taking it up the behind from the petit-bourgeois floor manager."

The television producer Melvyn Bragg once devoted an entire South Bank Show to the line, in a programme entitled, "And who will leave my pussy alone, Mrs Slocombe?" In it academics and writers discussed the way in which the whole nature of sitcom was changed forever by this utterance. The playwright Dennis Potter memorably exclaimed, "Pussy? Pussy? Pussy? Ask not what this 'Slow-Cum' pussy can do for you, ask rather what you can do for this pussy.'"

Commenting on her death, the comedian and writer Barry Cryer said yesterday, "What ever became of the 'pussy'... that's what I would like to know."

Thomas was puzzled. The Fat Controller had not come into work. He asked Henry if he knew where he was.
"The Fat Controller went out last night and got completely wrecked. He rang in to say that he has the worst hangover ever and cannot function."
"But, it's not like the Fat Controller to get wrecked," said Thomas
"No, but he was celebrating." said Henry. "One of the passengers left a laptop on the train and he managed to sell it on Ebay for a tidy sum. As a result he thought he'd get pissed."
Percy piped up, "But surely if he had come into work today he might have found another laptop, sold it too and bought some more alcohol to cure his hangover."
"Sadly all the people who carry laptops are suddenly out of work and no longer taking the train. So the Fat Controller thought 'sod this, I'm not coming in.'"
"What a shame," said Thomas. "And he seemed so keen to keep the train line operating."
"I hear that coaches and buses offer rich pickings nowadays," said Percy. "Maybe he should seek out Bertie the bus and see if he has any laptops."

Coming hot on the heels of the Chinese Government's climbdown on internet censorship, No10 has decided to take the 'blogosphere' into state control.

No10 has watched with interest as China has 'delayed' the mandatory installation of the 'Green Dam-Youth Escort' filtering software on new computers. The software was designed, according to the Chinese Government to clear the Chinese web of harmful content. But critics have said that it is an attempt to put the internet genie back in the bottle by a government with about 300 million 'netizens' to answer to.

Following on from this, No10 announced that it was forced to act to contain the chaos and disorder currently occuring in the blogosphere. "It does not make sense to endure this cacophany of voices and opinions when what is clearly needed in politics right now is unity of moral purpose and vision. Also the last thing anyone would want the cherished 'net' to do right now is to 'go off the rails'. So we have decided that for its own good we have to take the blogsphere into state control.

In an attempt to inject some humour into the proceedings, the No10 spokesman japed, "We are calling this Netionalisation. And yes, it is oblogatory."

The independent appointments commission has warned that elevating the speaker, Michael Martin to the Lords could damage its reputation.

Speakers are normally appointed to the Lords without question but the commission voiced its concerns about the 'propriety of the individual' and claimed that his presence could 'diminish' the upper house.

"We have a lot of hungry Lords to feed. Since the Times reported that our peers were willing to amend laws on behalf of clients for £100K, there has not been enough business to go around - Everyone wants a piece of the action. The last thing we want is 'Gorbals Mick' muscling in and starting a turf war."

But a spokesman for the government said, "What's good enough for the commons is good enough for the Lords. Why should the commons be the only house to have its reputation diminished."

Once again the Government does not know itself (apparently). Following recent reversals on holding the Iraq enquiry in public, the Government has done a '69' on making ID cards compulsory.

The Government has decided to press ahead with the main elements of the ID scheme though and British citizens who renew their passport will still automatically be registered on the ID database.

The government should decide what it wants to be (and how it wants to appear to its citizens). Does it want its people to view it as authoritarian? Or does it want to be the champion of civil liberties (fat chance.)

Time for the Government to stop 'chasing its tail' and work out whether it really can 'square the circle'?