It is with sad regret that we tonight announce the departure of Newsnight from serious news broadcasting.

The programme had been on a life support system since last night, when it collapsed in the middle of items on Iran and MPs expenses. Despite attempts at resuscitation, it was not possible to save the programme.

Newsnight Review will tonight be dedicated to an analysis of the phenomenology of Michael Jackson and will feature some guy from NME.

... when asked why there had been little coverage of the many deaths in Africa, the Middle-East, much of Asia, Sri Lanka, South America, Mexico, the Caucusus... and anywhere else you might care to mention, a BBC spokesman, Mr Joseph Steel responded: "One death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic..."

In a bold move designed to take control of his destiny, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced that he will resign in tribute to Michael Jackson, the singer who tragically died yesterday.

Mr. Brown declared morosely that he can still remember what he was doing when he heard the news that Mr Jackson had died, although he is unable to divulge this information on the grounds of national security.

An aide to the PM announced that as a long time advocate of Michael Jackson, Gordon Brown feels that it would be totally appropriate to link his own 'departure' with that of the legendary singer.

Elsewhere it has been announced that hoards of A-Z list celebrities, politicians, writers, structuralists, symbologists, half-camp followers etc etc are trying to get in on the act but have been told that the 'act' has departed to that great venue in the sky.

The Guardian newspaper, that bastion of secular liberalism has taken it upon itself to publish a six page tribute to an icon.

A senior Guardian executive explained, "What we are offering is consistent with what all the other newspapers, whether tabloid or broadsheet, are offering."

Jenny Abramsky, ex Director of Audio and Music at the BBC and Lesley Douglas, ex controller of Radio 2 have been engaged in a major spat over who was entitled to claim Russell Brand on expenses.

The ex BBC executives explained that when women reach a certain age they are allowed to claim Russell Brand on expenses in the same way as they can, for example, claim dinners to celebrate Terry Wogan's Knighthood or cocktails to usher in Jonathon Ross's new penis.

A spokesman for the BBC explained, "It has long been accepted that chocolates, flowers and entertaining are claimable. So what is wrong with a senior executive claiming an entertainer such as Russell on expenses?"

The Sports minister Gerry Sutcliffe was today left defending the appalling record of British players at Wimbledon, despite the high levels of investment in the sport and the application of 'wildcards'.

Mr Sutcliffe reminded fans that Tobimory, Bungo and Orinoco, whilst enthusiastic could not be expected to display the agility of some of the newer, younger players.

He also denied that 'Uncle Bulgaria' constituted a 'wildcard' player.

Will Self has tonight apparently denied that he is a member of the Self-hating bourgeousie. This is a developing story on which we hope to have more of an update later.
Conversely we also hope to be able to update you on an earlier item that Christopher Hitchens is in a terminal state of denial.
And we will be interviewing Martin Amis on the same subject for what we hope will be his categorical denial of denial.

And finally... a competition: Can YOU conjugate Neo-con, or would you decline? Tune in here for the exclusive on the new approach to grammar...