...Talking about the recent 48 hr Tube strike, Bob Crow said today: "It was a fantastic success. Not a single line was running properly."

... Regular travellers feel that Bob Crow's definition of 'fantastic success' applies to the Tube most of the time...

In an astonishing twist to the expenses scandal, it emerged last night that Joanna Lumley claimed the Immigration Minister Phil Woolas on expenses.

Ms Lumley's accountant explained, "The claim was totally legit. Mr Woolas was an essential item in her campaign to allow the Gurkhas UK residency."

David Miliband was today forced to refute allegations that he had a policy.

A spokesman for the Foreign Secretary said, "It is disgraceful to suggest that Mr. Miliband has a policy on Iran. The Foreign Secretary has studiously avoided finding the words, let alone formulating a policy."

The Foreign Secretary himself declined to comment on the grounds that he was in the process of conjugating a policy.

The WHO (World Hype Organisation) has announced the shocking news that denial is spreading.

"There is not a corner of this planet unaffected by denial. Everyone appears to be catching it."

In the latest shocking development it seems that denial has even passed to the highest echelons of Government, both in Britain and abroad.

However last night a senior government source sought to allay fears by resorting to an age-old and much loved pun: "Isn't denial a river in Africa?"

The Secretary of State for Whitewashes, Blackouts and Gloss, Peter Mandelson, denied today that he was asked to give Parliament a 'lick of paint'.

Responding to allegations that MPs have engaged in a massive cover-up of their expenses, he said "As a committed Parliamentarian, I feel that it is not my job to 'paper over the cracks'. In a parliamentary democracy it is clear that MPs should be responsible for their own whitewashes.

"I am a strong believer in DIY. (Democracy is Yesterday.)