The new Enterprise Tsar, Sir Alan will occupy a multimillion pound building called the Tsar-hole and will hire staff publicly on the BBC's Apprentice programme.

"The first task contestants will undergo will be to design an election manifesto. The winning team will be the one that gets the highest number of votes at the general election..."

A spokesperson for the British electorate said that Sir Alan had been fired.

Andy Burnham, Health Secretary and Andrew Lansley, Shadow Health Secretary have both been accused of being economical with the truth when it comes to their respective parties' proposed spending cuts. They have at long last come up with a face saving solution:

"I'll show you mine, if you show me yours," they agreed. 

Ex minister Hazel Blears has just announced that she regrets mocking Gordon Brown's Youtube appearance.

What happened was that when she saw the rictus grin and the cheesy attempt to outwit the opposition by getting down wiv da yoof, she almost pissed herself laughing. However she admits that she should have kept her thoughts to herself, especially since going public did not in the end achieve its desired aim of helping to unseat Gordon as PM.

Officials are convinced that the worst of the recession is now past.

"With the recent advances in bank shares and the one per cent rise in super prime property prices, we are now convinced that the worst is over... apart from the impending mass unemployment."