In a recent survey that will shock Downing Street to its very core it was found that ninety per cent of the British people actually want Gordon Brown to abandon them in their hour of need.

The survey was commissioned in response to the PM's new policy agenda entitled 'Building Britain's Future'. At the end of his declaration he announced, "We will not walk away from the British People in these difficult times."

When asked "Would you like Gordon Brown to walk away from you in these difficult times?" a staggering ninety per cent responded, "Yes, please, please, please walk away from us in these difficult times, please abandon us, please leave us all alone and vulnerable and without any of that marvellous support of yours that you are so kindly offering."

A Government spokeman commented, "We really just cannot understand it. Surely they want it, don't they..? Don't they want it.... Gordon has so much to give, so much to offer everyone... especially in these difficult times.... please let Gordon stand right next to you in these difficult times."

In the Book of Proverbs, it is stated that the Lord specifically regards "six things the Lord hateth, and the seventh His soul detesteth." namely:

Haughty eyes; A lying tongue; Hands that shed innocent blood; A heart that devises wicked plots; Feet that are swift to run into mischief; A deceitful witness that uttereth lies; Him that soweth discord among brethren

Watchers of both Westminster and Wall Street are currently wondering whether it's time to 'go back to basics' and use this as a yardstick for the rehabilitation of disgraced politicians, bankers and fund managers. "It appears that all other attempts at educating these guys have failed," said a commentator.

During sentencing at his $65Bn fraud trial, Mr Madoff denied that he had led a life of greed, self-indulgence and arrogance. "There are some who have said I lived like a Pharoah."

"One thing is clear: After their departure the Pharoahs left pyramids as eternal monuments to their wealth and power. But in my case people will have a tough old time finding my 'pyramid' let alone making any sense of it."

Rumours are circulating around Westminster tonight that New Labour has brought in the image consultants and is going to create a new brand before the next election.

A Labour insider said: "New Labour has been around as an identity for fifteen years now and people are thinking that it's time to modernise again. The obvious choice would ordinarily be New New Labour, but people are clearly growing tired of novelty."

The insider went on: "The high command are apparently toying with: British Bonuses for British People (The Environment Notwithstanding) Party. However, it is hoped that Labour's PR agency will come up with something snappier."

Watch this space.

The government was forced to deny today that it was 'trying to pull the wool over people's eyes.'

Many commentators have suggested that the government, currently denying that it will have to make cuts after the next election, is being somewhat 'off balance sheet' with the truth.

Westminster watchers generally acknowledge that, were the wool to be pulled over the eyes of the electorate, then Britain would effectively become a 'Kingdom of the Blind'. Were that to happen then it is perhaps fair to say that the 'one-eyed man' (Gordon Brown) would become King.

"But that's not going to happen," announced a Government spokesman.

It is now alleged that Michael Jackson's death may have been caused by excessive consumption of grapefruit juice. This contains an enzyme that can exacerbate the effects of his beloved Pethidine (dope).

The government must act immediately and release the following health warning: "Junkies!! Don't drink grapefuit juice!"

In the debate about MPs and their second jobs one of the key arguments in defence of these jobs is that experience of the 'real' world will be useful to the MPs when they are in government.

It will therefore inspire confidence that the second job of shadow transport minister Robert Goodwill is 'cemetery owner'.

As bus conductors used to say, "Room for one more inside."

The BBC producer Adam Curtis is putting the finishing touches to a film that bemoans the increasing dominance of individuality and the death of the 'grand narratives'.

"What we now have is a cacophany of individual narratives, everyone wants to be the author of their own lives no one wants to be part of a bigger story... But you need a collective, not individual narrative to achieve change," explains Curtis.

He is optimistic however. A grand new narrative - with the capacity to generate the common narratives of idealism and morality - will emerge that might bring reinvigorated moral purpose.

A spokesman for the BBC later emphasised the following (presumably): Adam Curtis is not denying that 'individualism' and 'the free market'  are themselves effectively narratives - Nothing could be further from the truth... And conversely, the viewing public should remember that Curtis's film is not itself part of any 'grand narrative'. His opinions and his outlook are his own and in no way reflect the views of the Corporation as a whole.

Back in February, Britain's advertising standards watchdog dismissed complaints that a Virgin Atlantic ad, celebrating the company's 25th anniversary, was sexist. The ad features Virgin Atlantic cabin crew dressed in striking red outfits, attracting the attention of everyone in the airport. Set to Frankie Goes to Hollywood's 'Relax', the 90-second commercial shows the airline's first flight in 1984. The ad has been shown frequently ever since (to the growing annoyance of some).

Despite this earlier absolution however, what Virgin Atlantic is trying to say about its cabin crew still remains a bit of a mystery. The song is famous for the sexually suggestive lines: Relax don't do it, When you want to suck to it and But shoot it in the right direction, Make making it your intention-ooh yeah. These led to Radio One DJ Mike Read's refusal to play the song and to a subsequent ban by the BBC.

Searching the internet it is easy to find interpretations of the song. On Yahoo Answers there are quite a few:-

'I believe it is about sex, that in the moment of climax to relax a bit and not cum, because once you cum then its over for awhile' - Yahoo Answers

'It's about masturbation' - Yahoo Answers

'It's a mantra for male porn stars; gotta stick it through' - Yahoo Answers

'Its about sucking rice through a straw.' (This might or might not be a euphemism).

Is it possible, one wonders, for travellers on Virgin Atlantic to be able to bend the ears of the cabin crew and perhaps obtain a somewhat more definitive interpretation of this classic eighties hit song?

The Vatican has been defending itself from allegations that it has been mute over the issue of Signor Berlusconi's 'Magdalen tendency'.

It is felt that The Holy See should be more vociferous in its criticism of Signor Berlusconi's behaviour.

However a spokesman for the Vatican hinted at the actual reason for its silence: "The last time the Catholic Church attacked the sexual exploits of a European leader was when Thomas More had a run in with Henry the Eighth. And look where that got us?"

In a recent interview with gossip mag Chi, Silvio Berlusconi denied ever having paid for escorts. He added: "I never understood where the satisfaction is when you're missing the pleasure of conquest."

He then went on, "Don't believe that Henry Kissinger b/s about power being the ultimate aphrodisiac. I have to work really hard to persuade these women to get into bed with me."

The people of Britain are today left wondering why the Prime Minister of Great Britain has remained so quiet on the subject of Michael Jackson's death. How can the PM not have the heart publicly to mourn the passing of one who touched so many lives?

Is it indeed not time that the institution of government moved with the times and showed that it too can care? Is it not time that the flags were flown at half mast? Is it not time that we British cast aside our stiff upper lips and started 'moonwalking down the Mall'?

In a rare show of unity all of the political parties will today come together to celebrate the life of a titan of popular music.

A spokesman for everybody said, "It is on occasions such as these that we realise that there are more important matters than Iran, Afghanistan, The crisis in Parliament etc etc. This is a time to hold hands and remember a legend."

A similar show of unity has emerged within the otherwise competitive world of media news, where the ruthless pursuit of innovation and originality has been set aside and where all newspapers and television channels are now 'singing from the same hymn sheet'.

Indeed there is now even talk of a global television 'bonding session' to be broadcast on all of the major channels where a range of academics from post-structuralists to phenomenologists to 'public intellectuals' will pontificate on the death of this giant who undoubtedly touched more lives than anyone has ever done in the whole of history

The government is to set up a commission to look into the issue of 'spin'.

One of the commission's chief considerations will be the use of the word 'The People's' in establishing precedence.

It is hoped that it will be possible to establish a framework for spin that will ensure that 'People's' spin is unequivocally by the people, of the people, and for the people.

It is with sad regret that we tonight announce the departure of Newsnight from serious news broadcasting.

The programme had been on a life support system since last night, when it collapsed in the middle of items on Iran and MPs expenses. Despite attempts at resuscitation, it was not possible to save the programme.

Newsnight Review will tonight be dedicated to an analysis of the phenomenology of Michael Jackson and will feature some guy from NME.

... when asked why there had been little coverage of the many deaths in Africa, the Middle-East, much of Asia, Sri Lanka, South America, Mexico, the Caucusus... and anywhere else you might care to mention, a BBC spokesman, Mr Joseph Steel responded: "One death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic..."

In a bold move designed to take control of his destiny, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced that he will resign in tribute to Michael Jackson, the singer who tragically died yesterday.

Mr. Brown declared morosely that he can still remember what he was doing when he heard the news that Mr Jackson had died, although he is unable to divulge this information on the grounds of national security.

An aide to the PM announced that as a long time advocate of Michael Jackson, Gordon Brown feels that it would be totally appropriate to link his own 'departure' with that of the legendary singer.

Elsewhere it has been announced that hoards of A-Z list celebrities, politicians, writers, structuralists, symbologists, half-camp followers etc etc are trying to get in on the act but have been told that the 'act' has departed to that great venue in the sky.

The Guardian newspaper, that bastion of secular liberalism has taken it upon itself to publish a six page tribute to an icon.

A senior Guardian executive explained, "What we are offering is consistent with what all the other newspapers, whether tabloid or broadsheet, are offering."

Jenny Abramsky, ex Director of Audio and Music at the BBC and Lesley Douglas, ex controller of Radio 2 have been engaged in a major spat over who was entitled to claim Russell Brand on expenses.

The ex BBC executives explained that when women reach a certain age they are allowed to claim Russell Brand on expenses in the same way as they can, for example, claim dinners to celebrate Terry Wogan's Knighthood or cocktails to usher in Jonathon Ross's new penis.

A spokesman for the BBC explained, "It has long been accepted that chocolates, flowers and entertaining are claimable. So what is wrong with a senior executive claiming an entertainer such as Russell on expenses?"

The Sports minister Gerry Sutcliffe was today left defending the appalling record of British players at Wimbledon, despite the high levels of investment in the sport and the application of 'wildcards'.

Mr Sutcliffe reminded fans that Tobimory, Bungo and Orinoco, whilst enthusiastic could not be expected to display the agility of some of the newer, younger players.

He also denied that 'Uncle Bulgaria' constituted a 'wildcard' player.

Will Self has tonight apparently denied that he is a member of the Self-hating bourgeousie. This is a developing story on which we hope to have more of an update later.
Conversely we also hope to be able to update you on an earlier item that Christopher Hitchens is in a terminal state of denial.
And we will be interviewing Martin Amis on the same subject for what we hope will be his categorical denial of denial.

And finally... a competition: Can YOU conjugate Neo-con, or would you decline? Tune in here for the exclusive on the new approach to grammar...

There are concerns for Newsnight tonight after it broke off from its major news reports and collapsed.

Newsnight was in the middle of its news items on Iran and on expenses scandals when it suddenly had a fit and started reporting on a major celebrity.

A spokesman for the BBC said that the situation appears critical but a lot of people realised that Newsnight had been in terminal decline for some time.

The Parole Board has announced today that even though the Great Train Robber 'has not got much time left', the threat to the public still remains.

The Board stated that there was little evidence of contrition and the Great Train Robber had expressed no regret over the £2 Billion pound train robbery.

"It is clear that despite being responsible for forcing through the PFI Tube contract with Metronet that cost the taxpayer at least £2 Billion pounds, there is little evidence that Baroness Vadera's attitude to the crime has changed. Along with the 'Guv'nor' Gordon Brown who financed and masterminded the robbery, it is accepted that Shriti Vadera has 'little time left'. However we have arrived at the conclusion that the suspects still pose a serious threat to public finances."

Police tonight are questioning a man who tried to sell the auction site Ebay on Ebay. The man is believed to be a hedge fund manager based in Mayfair. In his defence, counsel for the accused said, "My client understood that short-selling was legal again."

Ken Livingstone has appeared on Newsnight once again to defend the wearing of the burkha, after French President Nicolas Sarkozy's call to ban it.

In an interview with Jeremy Paxman, Mr Livingstone re-emphasised that there was nothing wrong in wearing the garment. "I find it increasingly important as the ex-Mayor of London to go around incognito. And that is why the burkha is such an essential item of clothing. You would not want to be recognised in the street if you had lost the Mayoral election to Boris Johnson, would you?"

A number of major investment banks have done a U-turn and have publicly apologised for the bonuses fiasco. In what appears to be a co-ordinated approach to the problem they have promised to 'hand the bonuses back'. Market watchers are currently calling this BAB (Bonuses are back).

A spokesman for all of the major investment banks announced today, "We realise that we made an error in holding on to our money. But in the light of recent developments it has been agreed that now is the time to address the plight of impoverished and undervalued bankers. Six and seven figure bonuses are once more the order of the day. We hope that this clears up any misunderstanding."

When asked to comment, a spokesman for the government said, "This is wholly and entirely a matter for the banks themselves. The government does not believe in intervention."

In the latest twist to the 'flipping' scandal, a number of prominent journalists have been accused of 'flipping' their pronouncements. Investigators are currently looking into:-

- A number of high profile political columnists who have over the past two years altered their declarations on Gordon Brown three or four times at least. In each case the journalists under investigation stated categorically that Brown was a great prime minister only to flip those declarations later and emphasise how bad he was.

- Financial and Economic Editors and Journalists who said that the downturn in both banking and the property market was at an end and that things were looking up... then later stated how utterly grim things were... and then soon after stated that things were looking up again

- A number of fashion journalists who claimed that something was 'so last year' only later to claim 'last year is so last year'.

"The concern is that too many journalists are so cock sure that they think that they can make a forecast one week, then totally contradict themselves the next without people noticing. What is the point of making forecasts?"

A commentator added: "One thing is clear... Prophecy is so last year."

Philip Green, owner of Arcadia clothing group and Simon Cowell, inventor of Britain's Got Tacky, have joined forces to create a global entertainment company. At the press conference to announce the venture, Cowell smiled menacingly and said, "Et in Arcadia Ego."

A parliamentary spokesman announced today a pared down code of conduct, a revolutionary new set of ethics for Westminster.
"We are very excited by their revolutionary nature. They are as follow:-

- No stealing
- No bearing false witness
- Don't covet anything that belongs to your neighbour

We thought about adding another seven, but decided that they were all a bit too obvious, and also the code wouldn't appear quite so revolutionary."

When asked whether this would make MPs accountable for their own actions and stop them 'blaming it all on the system', the spokeman replied, "Oh, no, no... That's not for me to say. That is an issue of individual conscience."

...Turning to the ethics of the situation, the reporter pressed the spokesman on the treatment of prisoners... "Is it really Christian to engage in the torture and humiliation of these people?"
"Christian?" replied the official. "What's not Christian..? It's very straightforward. Render under Satan those things which are Satan's."

Responding to criticism of the fact that taxpayers funded the work of the Prince of Wales to the tune of £3m last year - an annual rise of almost a quarter, a spokeman for the Prince confirmed that the Prince would not be handing the money back. "Such an act would send out completely the wrong message."

"Were The Prince to do such a thing people might conclude that he was no better than a common parliamentarian, or a disgraced member of the banking community."

It is indeed regrettable that a political leader who has done more to expand the role of women in politics than any other leader in Europe, perhaps the world, is now being treated with such contempt by not only his own media but by the media of other European nations.

Signor Berlusconi is a much misunderstood man. Not unlike the great nineteenth century Prime Minister, Mr Gladstone, he has seen fit to consort with 'ladies of the night'. That his motives should be anything other than honourable is surely beyond question.

We should accept that, just as there are 'many ways to skin a cat', there are many ways to enter the political arena. Why should only career politicians, the sons and daughters of political dynasties, or indeed party apparatchiks get the sole bite of the cherry? Why can not a woman of humble origins attain the same political climaxes as seasoned politicians, hacks and sychophants? Is it indeed not pleasant to behold the beaming smile of Naomi Letizia, the eighteen year old lingerie model, occupying a space that previously only some wrinkled cynic, some harridan or harpie, might have occupied?

We believe that it is high time that we praised Signor Berlusconi for his sheer initiative, for having the courage to widen the role of women in politics. It is indeed time that we in Britain showed our support for the beleaguered Italian Premier with the impassioned and resolute cry, "Forza Silvio."

There can be no doubt whatsoever: The new speaker, the MP for Buckingham, the Duke of Buckingham, as some are calling him right now, has galvanised the mood of the commons. In a rousing, and what some might call a decisive speech to a packed chamber last night, the new speaker, Speaker Bercow expressed, without a hint, without a sense of irony, the following words:-

"Ich Bin ein Berliner."

So is it just a massive PR exercise or is it true?

Top Gear Presenters had originally claimed that 'The Prig's' true identity would be a 'staggering surprise' to viewers. However a BBC spokewoman claimed later, "We never reveal who or what 'The Prig' is.

Either way at the start of a new series last night, viewers were amazed when 'The Prig' removed his 'helmet' and revealed the face of Jeremy Clarkson.

A 'fan' of Mr Clarkson, writing on the Digital Spy forum yesterday claimed that people would be very gullible to believe that it was him.

But another wrote, "Does anybody give a damn?"

There is growing concern over the sharp rise in defaults in the property news sector.

The property editor of a respected broadsheet said today, "What we are seeing is a worrying trend towards second rate, poorly researched articles about property prices. We are concerned that a lot of journalists are basing their claims on heresay and speculation and are receiving dangerous levels of credit, thus creating an excess of low-grade, unsustainable output..."

The New Speaker will today announce that Parliament Hill Fields will be renamed New Parliament Hill Fields.

Angry Hampstead residents have deplored the change. "We have been walking our dogmas over here for centuries and we never thought we'd live to see such a cynical rebranding exercise."

On Start the Week today Andrew Marr will be asking whether the programme, Start the Week really is a showcase for highbrow culture or whether it is simply an opportunity for a number of writers, academics, actors and television makers to puff their new books / films / drama documentaries (delete as appropriate).

Joining him will be Libby Purves whose Wednesday programme Mid the Week is often accused of being a middle-brow version of Start the Week, Alain de Botton, whose new book Don't Bottle it, Kant examines the commercial applications of Transcendental Idealism; David Hare, whose new play, Hare of the Dog dramatises the hangover that post Blairite Britain is left nursing; and Lord Braggart, who asks whether he can have his old job back.

Most of the front pages today feature uninteresting PR handouts on a famous Irish singer and a woman with large breasts.

It is being alleged that these constitute serious news stories...

Following on from the SEC charges against tycoon and 'cricket-lover' Allen Stanford, authories have released a list of Stanford Cricketing Terms:

- Legged over before wicket, Stealing Bid Off

- Golden Duck, Googly

- Loosener, Grubber, Indipper, Slider, Mullygrubber, Lower Order

It seems that Parliamentary advisors are in the process of formulating a get-out clause for shamed MPs when it comes to the Day of Judgement.

In a behind the scenes deal negotiated with Bishops, Rabbis, Imams and other religious leaders, it is alleged that shamed MPs will be able to claim that it was the 'system' that caused them to misuse parliamentary expenses....

... In an bid to outdo the Telegraph, the Sunday Times will this weekend publish its own Rich List, detailing the five hundred richest parliamentarians...

In an interview with the Guardian Newspaper that covered everything from his enthusiasm for Twitter to the 'hurt' resulting from the personal attacks on him during the recent failed coup attempt, Gordon Brown emphasised that he could take control of his destiny by walking away from No.10 tomorrow.

The PM described how after No.10 he could well become a teacher. Even better he could spread his 'gospel' by 'getting down and Twittering wiv da yoof'. And in a rare bid to show how he would connect with the the young he subsequently broadcast on the Twitter network:

'I cUd wlk awy frm dis 2moz... lol'

...Talking about the recent 48 hr Tube strike, Bob Crow said today: "It was a fantastic success. Not a single line was running properly."

... Regular travellers feel that Bob Crow's definition of 'fantastic success' applies to the Tube most of the time...

In an astonishing twist to the expenses scandal, it emerged last night that Joanna Lumley claimed the Immigration Minister Phil Woolas on expenses.

Ms Lumley's accountant explained, "The claim was totally legit. Mr Woolas was an essential item in her campaign to allow the Gurkhas UK residency."

David Miliband was today forced to refute allegations that he had a policy.

A spokesman for the Foreign Secretary said, "It is disgraceful to suggest that Mr. Miliband has a policy on Iran. The Foreign Secretary has studiously avoided finding the words, let alone formulating a policy."

The Foreign Secretary himself declined to comment on the grounds that he was in the process of conjugating a policy.

The WHO (World Hype Organisation) has announced the shocking news that denial is spreading.

"There is not a corner of this planet unaffected by denial. Everyone appears to be catching it."

In the latest shocking development it seems that denial has even passed to the highest echelons of Government, both in Britain and abroad.

However last night a senior government source sought to allay fears by resorting to an age-old and much loved pun: "Isn't denial a river in Africa?"

 

The Secretary of State for Whitewashes, Blackouts and Gloss, Peter Mandelson, denied today that he was asked to give Parliament a 'lick of paint'.

Responding to allegations that MPs have engaged in a massive cover-up of their expenses, he said "As a committed Parliamentarian, I feel that it is not my job to 'paper over the cracks'. In a parliamentary democracy it is clear that MPs should be responsible for their own whitewashes.

"I am a strong believer in DIY. (Democracy is Yesterday.)

In a shock development tonight, it has been announced that cleaning out 'the mote' can be claimed on expenses.

"It is all too apparent that MPs have spent too much time beholding the mote in the eyes of others. We have decided that it is now acceptable for MPs to clean out their own motes, and perhaps even the beams too, and claim it on expenses.

In another development, it has been decided that colonic irrigation can be claimed on expenses. "It is evidently time for a good purge."

The new speaker proclaimed, "Two centuries ago, the Thames stank so much that Parliament could not sit. Now Parliament stinks so much that the Thames cannot flow."

... At a press launch, the comedian Baron Cohen denied that as a teenager he created a character called Maradona who played football for Tottenham. "Unlike most young Jewish men, I never wanted to change my name. Ali G..? Borat..? Bruno..? They're just 'personae'..."

The office of national statistics reveals today a sharp increase in the number of people unemployed for 'family reasons'.

Since January there has been a rise of four hundred thousand people who have left work for 'family reasons'.

A member of the ONS said, "This news is appalling and we are concerned that MPs have led this current trend. No one gets sacked or resigns any more. And in fact we should add that we are also worried about the sharp increase in the number of MPs unemployed because of euphemisms."

In another development it is revealed that the reason that MPs actually resign for 'family reasons' is due to the fact that they can no longer claim for the new gazebo, the duck house, the extension, the new plasma TV, the new kitchen or the moat cleaning and have therefore bowed to pressure from their families to take much better paid jobs.

In a twist to the ongoing saga of MPs expenses, political commentators are today asking whether the occupants of No.10 and No.11 'flipped homes' so that the occupant of No.10 could avoid something known as 'political gains tax'.

It is alleged that in 2007 the occupant of No.10 moved out and the occupant of No.11 moved in. By doing so it appears that the occupant of No.10 avoided the 'political gains tax' that would inevitably have applied during the course of the subsequent 'credit crunch' and economic meltdown.

A Westminster observer remarked today, "We would like to know whether the complex manouevre known as home flipping in this case provided any material benefit to the previous occupant of No.10. and whether there are grounds for further enquiry."

"It is not for nothing perhaps that the current occupant of No.10, the member for Kirkcaldy & Cowdenbeath, is known by the previous occupant as 'Scot Free'."

It is indeed with some concern that we note the following: On the 'Guido Fawkes' column today one of the contributors to the comments section remarked that Piers Morgan has the kind of face that you would like to take a sh** on.

Apart from the fact that this remark was, in our opinion, rather offensive, it is backed up by a total lack of empirical evidence. There are no statistics, no focus groups and there is no scientific research to support this argument.

This blog would like to make it clear that we deplore unsubstantiated remarks and believe that the same standards of accountability should apply to the 'blogosphere' as are currently applied to the mainstream media.

Indeed, it ill behoves a contributor to a blog, political or otherwise, to discuss defecating on the face of a major, and perhaps much loved, public figure without providing a thorough and well researched case for wanting to do such a thing.

Following on from last week's post about celebrities finding a new use for fish - The Devil has all the best Tuna - it is emerging tonight that a number of celebs have found a new use for bamboo.

A famous actor who has been having sleepless nights over the environment, has discovered that bamboo is an ideal material to use in the production of bicycles.

"In my search for the 'sustainable' bike, I have experimented with a number of substances, ranging from used drugs paraphernalia to bluefin tuna, but none of them had the right consistency to make the kind of bike that I require on some of my off-road trips."

"But during a recent trip to China I hit upon the perfect material - bamboo. I realised that it is light, durable and biodegradable. Most important of all we can deplete world stocks of bamboo without any implications for endangered species. The bamboo bike is coming to a shop near you (if you live in Notting Hill).

A spokesman for a competitor, the Walter Raleigh bike company that makes bikes out of potato and tobacco, said "We think that this bamboo bike will be a flash in the panda."

Gordon Brown has hired the man who improved the Queen's image after the death of Princess Diana in 1997. Simon Lewis will take over as No.10 Director of communications next month.

A spokesman for No.10 announced: "If anyone can rehabilitate the image of a knackered out old figurehead, Simon can."

Mr Justice Eady ruled yesterday that the Justice Secretary, 'NightJackStraw' had no right to privacy.

Justice Eady proclaimed that NightJackStraw had no right to anonymity as leaks made by government departments were, like blogs, essentially a public activity...

Twitter has been voted Britain's least trustworthy website, apparently, because 'tweeters' can assume any identity.

Or... as they are perhaps finding out in Iran right now: "Twitter doth never prosper, for if it prosper none dare call it Twitter..."

Despite his plea to remain anonymous, Mr. Justice Eady ruled yesterday the police blogger known as 'NightJack' had no right to privacy as blogging was essentially a public activity.

This ruling will bring comfort to millions of bloggers worldwide who have for some time feared that their blogs were about as public as those youthful poems that lie hidden at the bottom of a drawer somewhere, once written, soon forgotten.

Home Secretaries come and Home Secretaries go. But the ID card scheme remains in incubation through thick and thin. Some have tolerated it, others have hot-housed it. But whose 'baby' really is it?

If the Home Secretary is the mother of the scheme, who is the father? Whose great idea was it in the first place to intensify the surveillance of British citizens? And why is it making the leader of the opposition speak in a German accent?

So, how do we go about determining the identity of the father? Do we need to look to the early days of Blair / Brown (when Jack ('man of') Straw was the Home Secretary?) Why has the wretched scheme continued with Brown's premiership, unless he was one of the early sponsors? And then again could or should the responsibility for this scheme lie with some faceless bureaucrat or bureaucrats... or corporate friends of the government?

Isn't it time that we demanded a paternity test? Let's examine the scheme's DNA. And let's ask, why is it, from one Home Secretary to the next, that the scheme is still nurtured - despite Alan Johnson's current 'reservations'?

Maybe it is simply time to 'throw the baby out with the bath-water'. What do you say, Alan J?

... old Etonian Mr. Cameron said of his fake German accent, "Of course I wasn't following orders, old boy. It's my fag who follows orders..."

Treasury officials are warning of a potential run on schadenfreude at the start of sentencing in one of the biggest Fraud trials in US history.

"We are worried that with so many wealthy individuals having been screwed by Bernard Madoff, there will not be enough schadenfreude to go round. The US treasury might have to intervene in order to prop up sentiment."

A Mr. G. Vidal was quoted as saying, "Every time a friend gets rich, I die a little."

MP Ann Widdicombe has given an assurance that if she is elected Speaker of the House of Commons she will change her hair colour again. In a bid for transparency she has promised to show her true colours.

Meanwhile, John Bercow, considered of late by his fellow Tory MPs to be something of a turncoat, has undertaken to return to his roots.

Spokespersons for the MPs Sir George Young and Margaret Beckett announced, "The bird's nests have flown."

The Greek culture ministry will once again address the plundering of its cultural heritage this week as it prepares to open the New Acropolis Museum.

"We remain unhappy at Britain's original act of despoilment and call upon your country to rehabilitate this great symbol of fifth century Athens."

"We accept that in the past perhaps Britain was better qualified than Greece to be custodian of this great icon. But this is no longer the case. We now tell your Prime Minister, Mr. Gordon Brown, to stop pretending that he is the rightful guardian of our great gift to the world and to society in general... i.e. Democracy."

Lord Rogers has accused Prince Charles of invading his architectural 'manor'. He is livid that the Prince has tried to influence the planning application for the Chelsea Barracks.

The humble Lord thinks that it is outrageous and, more to the point, unconstitutional for the Prince to become involved in matters such as planning which have economic, political and social ramifications.

Clearly only a man of the people such as the Lord is in a position to define the way our cities will look in the future. Let's face it, architects have a wonderful record of connecting with the people, of building visions for the future, as we saw in the development of post-war new towns and tower blocks.

Lord Pompidou feels that we should examine the ethics of allowing someone who is unelected (no less) to wade in to these debates. As the elected member of 'Riverside' Baron Rogers knows a thing or two about 'representation'.

Time was when a Prince, troubled by a spot of 'economic activity' in one of his Royal Boroughs, would have sent out a posse of his trusty Knights to have words with the turbulent Lord.

Media Guardian today asks why female columnists are so catty, especially in their targetting of other women. It cites Amanda Platell's merciless attacks on V Beckham ('Ostrich-Skin') and L Allen ('thunder thighs'), among others. Then it goes on to mention columnists Carole Malone, Alison Pearson, Jane Moore etc who are similarly well-disposed towards the fairer sex.

Jane Moore however objects to the tone of the article and makes the point that no-one questions Richard Littlejohn or Clarkson when they attack other men.

It is a fair argument and it's good to see that women journalists are setting the bar so high. Clearly in journalism there is no question of leading by example.

Perhaps the attitude is 'Anyone you can screw, I can screw better.'

Ed Balls is the latest member of the government to wade into the Tory/Labour spending cuts debate.

Who does he think he is?

Didn't anyone tell him that he was passed over for the job of Chancellor?

The media world was today rocked by the latest outbreak of swine flu news.

A reporter for the BBC said, "We are looking at whether this news outbreak is a genuine cause for concern or whether there are underlying causes, such as the need for sensational headlines."

The reporter went on to say "Whilst it is not our intention to panic the public we do of course accept that the latest news item could well ultimately panic the public."

Google is apparently using camera-bicycles to cover the more tricky terrain (alleyways and dirt-tracks) for its Street View service.

This will go down well in China where Google is powering ahead. The Chinese love bicycles and will have absolutely no concerns about Google's cameras invading their privacy.

When is a pyramid not a pyramid? Answer: when it's a bank.

A number of high profile banks that were apparently on the point of collapse six months ago are now the kings of Wall Street once more. So what was it that returned them to such prosperity? A return of confidence it appears.

One wonders, if the success of a fund or bank is so predicated upon investor confidence, maybe it is time to re-assess Mr Madoff. Surely, it was only the total loss of confidence that did it for him? 

Asset Manager Nicola Horlick is facing the possible liquidation of her Bramdean Fund this week in a high profile spat with property investor, Vincent Tchenguiz.

Perhaps, you can 'have it all', but the question is: how long with it all last?

In  a post a couple of weeks back, I might have wrongly suggested that PM (Peter Mandelson) should either be elected or swiftly 'crowned' as Labour leader and new PM (Prime Minister).

I now realise that shifts in the balance of power (or political coups, for that matter) rarely, if ever, require anything as vulgar as an election, anything as pompous as a coronation.

Do we really need to ask such tedious little questions as "Does the end justify the means?" when it is quite apparent that the ends and the means are one and the same thing?

 

Protector of the Gurkhas, Joanna Lumley, is apparently going to star in a 'satire on the modern art world.'

The Sunday Times says that she will be 'going to war again,' and 'mocking the madness of the comtemporary art world'.

In a new twist to our understanding of satire, the film will be advised by art world insiders Damien Hirst and someone called Mollie Dent-Brocklehurst. As the Sunday Times has it, Damien Hirst will be providing his own works and works by Tracey Emin and the Chapman Brothers will also be re-created (with permission, one suspects) for the film.

Quite where the invective comes in to this 'satire', when said 'satire' is being advised by so many art world insiders is anyone's guess.

This situation is somewhat akin to the Emperor Trajan offering the Ist Century Satirist, Juvenal a supply of 'bread and circuses' because he's keen to 'support his brave new writing career'.

 

... It is a sign of the times that an ex Union leader, ex Labour MP and socialist firebrand, Mick Gormley, now heaps praise on the honours system.

Mr Gormley said, "Who would deny a Knighthood or OBE to someone who has dedicated their life to the services of football or soap opera or promoting government policies. Ordinary people should be rewarded for the good that they have done in their lives."

Baron Gormley, Thain of East Kilbride, then went on to say, "If its good enough for them, its good enough for..." 

Supporters of the opposition / reform candidate in the Iranian are up in arms because it appears that they have been denied free and fair elections.

It is easy to forget that elections can never be free and fair in a country that would prohibit a radical reform candidate to stand in the first place.

This 'rigged' result should remind us that the idea that Iran is a democracy is, at the very least, questionable.

A number of celebrities are currently searching for a new cause.

Bluefin Tuna is declining as a source of publicity and the 'environment' is evidently no longer sustainable as a utility for self-promotion.

A spokesperson for the celebs said, "We have noted that the 'stock' of MPs is down right now and we think that the time might be right to stand in front of cameras on Westminster Green and show how worried we are about democracy."

"It is also evident that once a celeb has done acting, done singing, done novels, climbed Everest and done pretty well everything else known to man, the only thing left is to stand for parliament."

... Mr Cameron crowed in his reassuring patrician tones, "The battle for a new, a modern Britain will be won on the playing fields of Eton." 

It is always reassuring to know that, come the revolution, Andrew Roberts, Tristram Hunt and Germaine Greer will be manning the barricades whilst making it clear how much they are into Trollope.

The new Enterprise Tsar, Sir Alan will occupy a multimillion pound building called the Tsar-hole and will hire staff publicly on the BBC's Apprentice programme.

"The first task contestants will undergo will be to design an election manifesto. The winning team will be the one that gets the highest number of votes at the general election..."

A spokesperson for the British electorate said that Sir Alan had been fired.

Andy Burnham, Health Secretary and Andrew Lansley, Shadow Health Secretary have both been accused of being economical with the truth when it comes to their respective parties' proposed spending cuts. They have at long last come up with a face saving solution:

"I'll show you mine, if you show me yours," they agreed. 

Ex minister Hazel Blears has just announced that she regrets mocking Gordon Brown's Youtube appearance.

What happened was that when she saw the rictus grin and the cheesy attempt to outwit the opposition by getting down wiv da yoof, she almost pissed herself laughing. However she admits that she should have kept her thoughts to herself, especially since going public did not in the end achieve its desired aim of helping to unseat Gordon as PM.

Officials are convinced that the worst of the recession is now past.

"With the recent advances in bank shares and the one per cent rise in super prime property prices, we are now convinced that the worst is over... apart from the impending mass unemployment." 

The WHO (World Hell Organisation) has raised its threat level on the imminent arrival of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to Threat Level 6.

A spokesman said: "Even though there are only four horsemen, we deemed it appropriate to apply a level 6. The symptoms of the horsemen at this time are relatively mild and we do not wish to panic the public."

The World Health Organisation has just announced the shocking news that people, young and old, are now 'getting flu'.

A doctor said, "The worrying thing about this virus is that it is being passed on from person to person and is causing mild flu like symptoms in those infected."

"If it carries on at this rate people will have to take to their beds, have days off work (or 'duvet days') and need large doses of Lemsip."

A Government spokesman said: "The Government has large stockpiles of Lemsip."

If 'Doris Karloff' does indeed become speaker of the lower chamber, would it be appropriate to rename it the Chamber of Horrors?

Now that all is quiet on the Western front, Gordon Brown is lucky that he does not have to handle tough questions on the worsening situation in a foreign land.

One wonders whether there is currently anything like a 'foreign policy' under Brown - or at least one that he would like to share with his beloved electorate

When our eyes are focused on such weighty matters as MPs expenses and electoral reform, it is easy to forget that things are still happening on the other side of the world.

It is touching to see Gordon Brown handing power over to parliament in his discrete and subtle way.

But whose power is he handing over?

His power?

No, David Cameron's power of course

Now that we know Gordon is not keen on the 'sisterhood' what will the 'Nanny State' be renamed?

The Butler State? The Valet State?

Maybe in this new commercial world, it'll be called the Client State.

The battle between Old Labour and New Labour was often cast as a battle between socialists and conservatives.

This was evidently wrong. It clearly became a battle between Trotskyites and Stalinists.

... Or maybe we knew that... but just forgot about it...

Having just spent three hours trying to get three miles across London, it is pleasant to hear the soothing tones of Bob Crow on the television.

The accent is unreconstructed Fred Kite.

However in this instance the incompetent management is played by Gordon Brown and his band of merry men (and women) who forced the hopeless PFI contracts on the Tube.

There was also a Terry Thomas character in the original film. Wonder who in the government he would be?

Gordon Brown is railing against the 'proposed Tory spending cuts' of 10 per cent, claiming that these would take us back to the economic environment of Thatcherite Britain.

It is worth noting that without the 'tough decisions' of the 1980s there would have been no 'New Labour' as we know it.

Moral and Social revolutions and engineered adjustments to democratic order (or makeovers as they are no doubt called nowadays) have a horrible history of going wrong.

God help us when the powers-that-be decide to give the Ten Commandments a 'makeover'.

...Although one imagines that He probably won't... help us, that is.

When PM (Peter Mandelson) was asked whether it was shameful that he was merging the Dept of Universities and Skills with his existing business empire, he replied: Nonsense - as a liberal arts grad (PPE, Oxford), he could be trusted with the future of our Universities.

Phew, that's ok then. He won't be biting the hand that fed him.

... Just like the grammar school boys who became Labour ministers in the fifties and sixties and who did not bite the hand that fed them by closing grammar schools...

Oh, no. Labour has absolutely no history of biting the hand that feeds it...

Some Greek tragedy this has turned out to be.

Maybe the best 'plots' are those that appear to have no direction, no denouement and no pay-off.

The plotters must be wondering where to stick their daggers now.

And what was it they said about history re-inventing itself? Maybe the idealists are too close to the coalface. Or perhaps the commentators are too far away, dreaming up footnotes to farce.

... and so despite his fall, it appears, for the time being at least, that all the kings horses and all the kings men have indeed put Humpty together again... But quite what part the king's horses actually played is anyone's guess...

New Labour moves in contradictory ways nowadays:

It was once the big tent, now it is 'tribalism' and 'factionalism'.

Now is the time to ask the following questions: was New Labour ever actually the triumph of politics-as-marketing, as some say, or was it really the triumph of one individual?

Furthermore, which came first, New Labour or the Neo-Cons?

And did the lion really lie down with the lamb, or was that just tittle-tattle circulated by the lamb?

New Labour will no doubt get a deconstructivist makeover before long

Any French philosophers willing to step up to the plate? Perhaps only Freedom philosophers will do.

If Gordon Brown has received any good advice of late it would probably be along these lines:-

Choose the timing of your departure.

Brown has tonight fought off the people who wanted to tell him when to go.

Expect him to announce his departure when you least expect it.

Really depends on when things quieten down, but it could probably be a two week to two month window

 

....then again maybe that's the impression that he'll give people who are on the inside... or the outside... or just sort of, in the know... or whatever... who cares?

Allegedly, ex minister Jane Kennedy resigned over this 'window dressing issue'.

It appears that she felt hurt, betrayed and cheated by the PM. "He always said that I was the only window dressing for him."

Gordon Brown announced that ex ICI boss Sir John Harvey Jones from BBC's Troubleshooter series is to advise the government.

When informed that Sir John had sadly shuffled off this mortal coil some time ago, the PM replied that this would not pose a problem as he would be joining a government of the living dead anyway.

The current cobbled-together cabinet makes this the most undemocratic government since Ol Cromwell and Charles 1 came to blows on Britain's Got Talent.

An unelected Prime Minister relying on the Lords to complete his cabinet, clings on to power despite the support of a fraction of the British people.

When a certain Labour grandee once said that Brown would be a f-ing awful Prime Minister he clearly meant that he could only reach no 10 on a mandate as about as democratic as Yuri Andropov's (or Charles the First, for that matter).

Lucky for Gordon that we don't have an elected second chamber.

The broad tent, the 'big tent' should be more than a confederacy of Lepers.

There are many ways to skin a cat, there is only one way to stitch it back up again

Is this an existential crisis that I see before me?

Oh honey, honey, sugar sugar ..
You are my candy girl ..

Oh no. Gordon Brown does not do window dressing.

Nick Robinson of the BBC will not say who told him that Brown would be a f-ing awful Prime Minister, because he was told in confidence.

But he does say that if that person had told Gordon to go yesterday, he would not PM any more.

So it was Peter Mandelson then.

Is Caroline Flint's assertion that Gordon used her as window dressing simply the gender equivalent of 'Is it coz I is black?'

As Obama and other successful politicians and business people have shown, not playing the race or gender card is a sign of integrity.

NB. the Ms. Flint's photoshoot in last month's Observer was a tasteful celebration of her womanhood and can in no way be considered sexist, smutty or window dressing of any sort. For that you will have to read FHM in which she currently has no plans to appear.

What kind of hypocrisy is it that attacks David Miliband for not stepping up to the plate and resigning, but brushes off the fact that the very architect of the Blairite New Labour project currently has Gordon Brown as his glove puppet?

Is it any wonder that ordinary people do not trust politicians?

Render unto Gordon that which is Gordon's

If the Blairite wing wanted Blairites to resign then PM (Peter Mandelson) would be the first to go.

Or are we missing something?

Apart from going to war, there is only one way in which Brown can try to dig himself out of the hole that he is currently in. Even this might offer limited results.

Expect to hear him drawing more and more on his Presbyterian past. Expect more references to his Scottish non-conformist moral compass.

Witness a man coming home to his traditional Labour roots. Expect to be reminded of why he originally entered politics (no, not in order to bail out a bankrupt credit derivatives market, and widen the gap between rich and poor).

Word is going round that Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent has rung No.10 to check on Gordon's well-being.

She was said to be concerned that he had broken down and was throwing mobile phones around and shouting at computers

On GMTV she said she wished him well...

Fifteen minutes is the longest that celebs elected to the House of Commons will last before they get bored and disappear to adopt unsuspecting African children.

Don't these people realise that a 'three line whip' is not just some neat new way of doing coke? Also after the expenses scandal they should know that they won't be able to put in claims for their Jimmy Choos, stays at the Priory and collagen implants.

And hasn't anyone told them that politics is 'show business for ugly people'?

Those wielding knives of late will not necessarily be looking forward to the post-Brown era. Plotters have an unhappy history of being knifed at a later date.

Of course, they are the darlings of the media right now, but when the dust settles, old scores will be settled too.

So Mandelson is playing a blinder. He appears solidly behind Gordon.

How paradoxical. In ordinary times commentators would assume that the hand of Mandy was at work, orchestrating such skullduggery. But these are not ordinary times.

But... tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...

It might not be as straightforward as it seems. If none of the plotters knives have yet felled Gordon, then all eyes should be on the big one - the knife of Brutus.

It is clear that if Mandy played Brutus now, the game would be up.

And Alan J. would be Mark Anthony... or is it Octavian...? Or Macduff?

Banquo, anyone?

 

 

What is this paralysis in the bowels of Government?

A number two is blocking number ten.

Who's running the country and is anything getting done? A time and motion study should be commissioned.

Bono as International Development Secretary?

U2 if you want to.......

Maybe the arrival of Alan Sugar will make the Brown medicine go down.

But when the time comes for Gordon to go will Siralan have the Balls to say to him, "You're fired!"

James Purnell has resigned. Andy Burnham has to be the next... unless Caroline Flint beats him to the line... Or Alan J....?

Then again, maybe Gordon B. will beat them all to it.

Otherwise, when will Gordon's 'et tu Brute?' moment arrive?

Presumably only after he has elevated some unelected official called Brutus to the Upper House...

The electorate, the taxpayer, has to shoulder some of the blame for the state of politics in Britain right now.

We don't really want to devolve power to neighbourhood trusts do we? It would mean people like you and me getting involved in mundane issues such as local planning, the environment or law and order. This is what we elect politicians and councillors to do. We want these things to be dealt with at arms length.

But then... when things go wrong, when crime mushrooms, when the streets become dirtier, boy, do we make a stink. We even 'get involved' ourselves, attend meetings, protest that our 'representatives' are not doing their job, claim that they are in politics for themselves, lining their pockets.

And at this point someone mentions neighbourhood trusts again, suggests that we devolve, we take power back to the people. And for a time we like the idea... just as celebs like the idea of becoming MPs. But it will not last. The last thing anyone wants to do at the end of a long hard day at work is to attend some interminable meeting to discuss, say, local transport issues.

What we really want is someone else to do these boring jobs, but to be able to treat those people as whipping boys, beat them hard when things go awry. That way, we only ever wade in when things go wrong and we can ensure that nothing is ever our fault.

But who will whip the whips? is the question.

Liberal commentators have for years talked about how Dubya and Blair radicalised Islam. Yet no-one ever suggested that the actions of 911 could have radicalised Dubya and Tone. Why is this? Is it because people in the West are not allowed anger? Or maybe the West doesn't do radicalisation.

As Obama embarks on the latest stage of his Middle East tour he does so as a new leader in a new administration who has not yet been provoked. So perhaps we should not read too much into his calm, peaceful demeanour.

As he gets into his stride he will face new challenges and, dare one say, new provocations. Only time will tell whether the President will be radicalised.

Or to put it another way, the precedent is the precedent is the precedent, Mr. President.

Hotmail doth never prosper, for if it prosper none dare call it hotmail.

It is a sign of Gordon's loss of authority that the hot mail doing the rounds is doing so in the media spotlight. The Cabinet is crumbling. The bankbenchers are cyber-plotting. And in the midst of this conspiracy, the word 'treason' hardly gets a look in.

Compare this situation to John Major's dilemma in the mid nineties. He was able to face off his opponents by resigning and being re-elected quite decisively.

Could anyone suggest to Gordon that he follow John's example and expect a similar result?

This suggests that the game is already over.  What leader can carry on with his authority so challenged?

 

 

Gordon thought that he had a deck of cards to shuffle, but it looks like the cards have decked him.

The best bet for the Labour party now is for Brown to stand down and for Mandelson to take over (in a coronation). Mandelson could in turn then have Alan Johnson as his deputy - in an echo of the Blair / Prescott pact of '94. (Posh and Scary spice).

Whatever Labour-leaning pundits say, Johnson cannot be the leader because he looks a bit like a bank robber with a stocking over his head. Also he will not appeal to the South and South-East of England - who want someone who sounds like Cameron.

Although Mandelson apparently alienates 'Old Labour', he is a smooth operator - very important for this 'working class' Labour party that has always suffered an identity crisis - a crisis of style versus substance, of personality versus mettle. Let us not forget that Blair, a public schoolboy, was the most successful Labour leader ever. Labour and middle class Labour supporters like posh leaders.

OK, so Mandy's a Lord, but so what? Ever heard of Lord North? And anyway, a Labour Lord as PM is, in it's own way, revolutionary.

Thus, it appears that Mandelson / Johnson might just be the Labour dream ticket... or if not quite that, then at least not-the-nightmare one.

High profile women would be important of course - H.Harman as Home Secretary, Yvette Cooper as Chancellor (would this really be a kick in the Balls?). Maybe Hazel B. could also return.. in education..? or in health... ideally not in sickness...

Old faces /old voices from the past could line up to praise the new line-up: Johnny Reid, Alan Rumour-Millburn and even Tone himself could endorse the new cabinet.

This scenario might not win Labour the next election but it would undoubtedly save the party from total meltdown. It might even bring about a well-hung parliament.

But will the Labour party go down this path...? Like F... they will. There are too many cooks spoiling the broth right now for anyone to focus on such a strategy. And chaos shall have dominion.

And within the year, 'Regime Change', will be necessary.

 

ps, if Mandy became PM, then Labour and Conservatives would speak with one voice... Have you ever heard Mandy and Dave talking together in the same room??

When Tony got bored

He re-christened Gord

He called him Scot Free.

Why might this be?